the essential guide on what not to do

2010-09-20T19:43:00.001-07:00

So I am going to try to write (again). We'll see what happens.

Mercury Rising

2010-09-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

So this morning we’re all chatting it up before the training class starts, and Ginny mentions something about astrology saying we’re going to lose small items over the next few days. Ok. No big deal. I lose more shit than anyone else that I know of… of which I know?

Today I thought I lost my lighter.Turns out Ginny had it. Unintended swipe of course, but a strange coincidence. I cannot find or think of where I may have left Tedd’s book… which is signed by the author and really original And I can’t get online but I can’t figure out why.

At least my phone is proving itself.

Leaving...

2009-04-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

... well, after many attempts to stay active on this site, I have decided to go back to my less mature, more familiar roots.

I will continue posting and such, but at a new location:

http://brokencircadian.livejournal.com/

Visit if you like.

Did you watch this?

2009-03-05T21:15:00.000-08:00

Ok so I haven’t written in like um what feels like forever, so I am grasping at straws here, but I am going start reviewing movies, and maybe video games too. I have Netflix and Gamfly accounts which I totally love. I am going to try to write a review for every game I play, and commit to writing a review for every movie I watch… oh yes and every book I read because I have been reading a whole fucking lot. Show’s don’t it?

No really. When I was in school we always did journaling and creative writing assignments, and boring essays; but most importantly research papers, which I always enjoyed writing, scored excellent on, and many of my teachers complimented the depth of my research and genuine interest. It is in this studious and methodological way that I also manage to retain information from almost all of my research papers. It is one of the few things that I pride myself on, and from which positive reinforcement truly engraved importance and satisfaction that can only be achieved when you are informed, and have achieved at least the most fundamental understanding of a concept that was a month or so ago so alien.

It seems to be incredibly rewarding for problems that are truly so simple in a world view, to be so complicated and intricate in our youth; in our microcosms of cynicism and vanity. Things always come into perspective as the details are blurred by time. I do not believe the old saying, “Hind site is twenty/twenty,” because nothing can be heard better from a distance; therefore, the mind cannot know or understand an experience better than during the event- prior to, the mind is unaware. As we move farther in time from the event our ego protecting minds create a story around this unusual or unexpected event.

This being said, I am sure most of mine will be nothing more than brain droppings and boring rants.

So anyway, I don’t want to get on a philosophical puke fest. In fact I plan on walking way off course with this… My first review:

Let me begin my simply admitting that Josh picked this out of desperation. We have left Blockbuster empty handed so many fucking times. I know I have a Netflix and a Gamefly, I must be a fucking fat slob and practically “at one” with my couch. No asshole, we got 12-weeks free rentals for Blue-ray or any PS3 game with our Christmas present this year – not money, a PS3.

Anyway, I hate leaving empty handed because of two reasons,
1. I don’t to hurt my in-laws’ feelings. They are incredibly nice and I like showing them what we got and sometimes watching a comedy or corny sci-fi flick with them.
2. I like free shit.
See, I am like one of those kind but “simple” kids that bag your groceries and you think it’s Ok to give him less than $1 for carrying your two carts of food fatty. See, two can play at that game.

Onward!

Death Race!

SO this was, somewhat homoerotic, but in very nerdy, we’re-not-gay-just-really-lonely-guys kind of way. For example, if you were a video game nerd, you may appreciate it’s similarity to a few demolition/race games out there. A pretty well known one would be Full Auto. The cars and guns are süped up as only a videogame car could be, and the plot is totally unbelievable in any state of mind – granted some more than others. You may find this more attractive when there is a female who is proportioned in an aesthetically pleasing way happens to also drive, navigate, and then wear tiny clothes.

So death race was just like another nerd movie, this time retarded-wannabe-car-douches. You know those guys who drive a sweet car cause they or their parents in the really pathetic cases can pay some decent mechanic; the guys that know that parts by how much they paid or a picture, but not find it in the engine or tell you what it does. The guys that still love The Fast and the Furious. Yea, those douches.

OK, so some nerds from the first group and douches from the second group got together and put this shit together. Getting the picture? It’s like this was not acceptable even with my 5' 6½" crush, Jason Statham.

That being said it was exactly what it promised to be.

So, as predicted, this first review sucked. I am hoping that witch practice and more reading (which I am going to do now), I will regain some of my confidence and develop some decent skill.

P.S.

Have a helping of diabetes: sweet

Empty

2008-12-29T20:56:00.000-08:00

These words that flow should,
like clay on the potters wheel,
form the essence of what I am feeling, thinking;
but some how, while they continue to come,
letter by letter falling on the page-
they say nothing, and mean even less.

You know things are bad...

2008-10-30T19:43:00.001-07:00

... when even actors know better:

Busy, busy bee!

2008-10-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

So I got the job I wanted. Not too shabby. I was fully unemployed for 10 days, and underemployed for 21. So here is the plan I hope to stick to…

Over the next few weeks:
Sweet job: 2pm to 10:30pm Monday through Friday.
Second job: 10am to 1pm OR 11pm to 2am AND 1:30pm to midnight on Saturday & Sunday.

Permanent schedule (I hope):
Sweet job: 4pm to 12:30am Thursday through Monday.
Second job: 12pm to 3pm OR 1am to 4am AND 1:30pm to midnight on Tuesday & Wednesday.

I start this madness on Monday, October 20th… how long before ALL of my hair turns gray? I hope not before Valentines day!

return

2008-10-06T01:49:00.000-07:00

i have not written in a while, and i think i left off on the wrong foot.
it has taken me a little while to land, and i am still quite dizy from the fall.
anyway, i found some music that was pretty good...

chil kids, life's too short.

Scientology

2008-09-04T01:20:00.000-07:00

Although today associated almost exclusively with Hubbard, the word "scientology" predates his usage by several decades. An early use of the word was as a neologism[1] in an 1871 book by the American anarchist Stephen Pearl Andrews presenting "the newly discovered Science of the Universe".[2] Philologist Allen Upward used the word "scientology" in his 1901 book The New Word as a synonym for "pseudoscience,"[3] and this is sometimes cited as the first coining of the word.[3] In 1934, the Argentine-German writer Anastasius Nordenholz published a book using the word positively: Scientologie, Wissenschaft von der Beschaffenheit und der Tauglichkeit des Wissens ("Scientologie, Science of the Constitution and Usefulness of Knowledge").[4] Nordenholz's book is a study of consciousness, and its usage of the word is not greatly different from Hubbard's definition, "knowing how to know"[5] (from epistemology). Whether Hubbard was aware of these earlier uses is unknown.

[1] Neologism
In psychiatry, the term, neologism, is used to describe the use of words that only have meaning to the person who uses them, independent of their common meaning. This is considered normal in children, but a symptom of thought disorder (indicative of a psychotic mental illness, such as schizophrenia) in adults.

People with autism also may create neologisms.

Use of neologisms may also be related to aphasia acquired after brain damage resulting from a stroke or head injury.

'round and 'round

2008-08-24T23:32:00.000-07:00

So after much phone tag and office bickering, Josh managed to get today, Monday, off. I do have to work tomorrow so we can't leave at any crazy time today, but now we won't be fighting as much traffic back and it sounds like we'll won't be paying for a lot of the gas.

It's always funny to find out that someone who called me crazy, and told me they had all the answers is now horribly lonely, broke, and their “perfect” family is falling apart. I mean, wasn't it my family that was fucked up? LOL! I guess not. I guess while my parents and I spent 5+ years fighting, going to therapy, and getting a lot of shit off of our chests, yours was just rotting from within. Oh I DO remember how you used to ditch me and call me names, how you would say I would never amount to anything or meet anyone worthwhile... but here we are... I am married and happy, and my family is there for me - with all their problems out on the table, some worse than others... and you?

Just another example of shit coming full circle...

Spite

2008-08-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

Oh yes it's sad to say,
she knew about it
all along the wicked way.

Thinking that they were flying,
now all of them are lonely, sad,
falling asleep to the sound of their own
crying.

That does not seem to be going anywhere...

She arrived like the sunrise
from the east, laying siege to
the big town wanting so badly,
to be a city.

She came armed with big
eyes and little feet, a proud mouth
and mind that was more than just witty.

Crouching, crawling-
never sure of where she was going.
Planting, weeding-
people blew away with the seasons,
but she kept growing.

Some said things that hurt.
Others lied.
Some stole,
but all of their flavors
she tried.

That one girl left not even wearing clothes,
now she's lonely and wonders why.
She tells the world it's 'cause her daddy lied.
Well dear, that's some bullshit.
There are plenty of ladies whose daddy's were cruel
who are not only happy but in loving relationships.
You're problem is that you're a selfish whore-
you sell your body and ditch your friends, and
in those circles the selection in men is limited.

That one boy left riding a pill and a dream,
now he's he's confused and nothing is what it seems.
He tells the world it's karma's fault 'cause he was less than good before.
Well dear, that's some bullshit.
Grow up and face it,
She cheated on you because there was something wrong in your relationship,
something you were not providing, and
she kept wanting.
You too are selfish, never stopping to compromise,
never seeing the world from someone else's eyes.
When you don't stretch the mind beyond your own dreams
you are left, as you see now, lone.

There was this other girl,
she wanted to take and never have to give.
She felt cheated in life, and so she was entitled to
anything within her reach.
She tore people down

Ah, spite poetry is utter crap, but I do feel a little better now.

So today's writing did not produce anything worthwhile. That's a shame, but I am glad I took the time to at least get something out.

August Moon

2008-08-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

Writing exercise

August Moon

August moon come and lay down next me
Bring back dream filled sleep and
Take a way the irritating heat.

Your sickle smile teased just last week but
Like a stripper, as the month's music played
more of you has waxed into view.

From the East the Sun will soon be
threatening your evening kingdom.
Coming quickly with his battle stance and
His potent rays.

For now, my pale dear,
Please take the stress from my brow,
the day's weight from my shoulders -
Be the Muse who will seduce
my estranged dreams, lure them back
into my troubled head.

August moon come and lay down next me
Bring back dream filled sleep and
Take a way the irritating heat.

Iowa

2008-08-22T22:45:00.000-07:00

Let me begin on a happy note: Josh has gone back to school and we have been going to 24 Hour Fitness almost every night after work. I have returned to loving my work outs like I did before. It will be much easier to go back to school once Josh has finished as well. This really makes me very happy! Unfortunately, I have actually gained some weight recently. I am hopeful that this is just a small gain and that working out will greatly curb it.

We're in Iowa, the great bean field state.

Josh's grandfather passed away Thursday morning. On Thursday e got a call from Josh's mother, Sue, practically yelling at us for not already being packed; however, she was still in Grand Junction, four hours from us. She hurried us along and hounded us over the phone all day – to arrive in Lakewood at 11 o'clock at night. Both Josh and I could have easily gone to work on Thursday, but because of her urging Josh he didn't go, and because I believed in Josh I also did not go.

We each get three days of bereavement leave. Because I do not work weekends this includes Monday for me. However, Josh does work weekends, and he has for quite some time. He knew that Monday would not be included in his bereavement days. He made the request to have Monday off as a vacation day, but did not have any confirmation that this day would be provided. Today he found out that he had not been given this day, so now we'll have to drive, hurriedly, back to Denver on Sunday immediately after the funeral.

Oh but it gets better. When I suggested we leave Friday morning, it was not only so that the timing would be better. No. I also suggested that we leave Friday morning so that, after Josh's pay check posted, we could purchase new tires and drive our on vehicle to Iowa. This was apparently not meant to be, as Sue forced us leave right away Thursday evening AFTER MIDNIGHT (And leaving at 7am would have been so bad why?), and drive her truck. The truck get absolutely horrible gas mileage. It was nice enough of them to offer to fill the tank on the way here, but now since Josh did not get Monday off, we'll be leave long before Sue, and we'll have to fill the truck ourselves. Great!

Let's not forget that when we get back home new tires will STILL have to be purchased for the Suby... Paying for gas for the Suby to get here would have been less that it's going to be to have to gas up the truck the whole way home... and had we left when Sue left she would have paid for the Suby's gas on the way home... Had we left Friday in the morning, Josh could have gone to work on Thursday, and he wold definitely have Monday off... and the drive back would l have been safer than it's ging to be and much more enjoyable... Josh would have been able to get good sleep before going to work on TUESDAY instead of being a road worn zombie on Monday...

No, none of the above are valid or logical reasons... the plan I have been dragged into is infinitely better, and I should never be listened to, most especially by my husband, and he should definitely continue to listen to his mother's ideas, even when they are BAD ideas, and he should continue to drag me along because I am truly, just enjoying myself so fucking much! Oh yes!

Furthermore, today, after arriving, I pointed these flaws in planning to Josh, and he of course, told me I was being an asshole, and that his mother would have been so very disappointed in not traveling with us. But she is not going to be disappointed when we can't stay for anything after the funeral? She is not going to need more support after watching her father lowered into the ground then she did on the car ride over here? We weren't even in the same car.

On top of all of this, Josh and I were so tired from not having slept that when we got here at three o'clock this afternoon, we both passed out... and he did not wake up until after 11 at night. Great! It was like we didn't ride with them at all... that entire effect was completely washed away. We did not go to have dinner with Josh's mourning relatives, which was the requested activity once the “nap” was complete; but the list goes on: we did not ride in the same cars, we won't be able to spend time with anyone after the funeral, we can't drive back with them, our drive back is going to suck since there is construction on every highway from here all the way to our apartment, Josh is going to be totally worn out on Monday, we are going to have to fill up a gas-guzzling BEAST, we aren't even in a hotel room near them... blah blah blah.

So, can some one please tell me, in a logical and not bullshit reason why THIS plan was better than the suggestion I made? Why my husband could not have possibly listened to me when it counted? Why this not listening to me is a repetitive practice? Why? Really, I just want to know why, but there is not any reason. Josh just thinks this is a none argument and will not apologize or admit that I may have actually had a more logical plan or better approach to the problem. That really pisses me off... he won't say anything to his mother, and now we're going to have to pay the price for it on several levels: economically because we'll be paying for gas; emotionally, because we argued; and physically, because Josh is going to be so totally worn out on Monday.

What's worse is that when I told Josh to say something to her after the dust from the funeral had settled; to let her know that yes, we had gone through with what she wanted, but she needed to understand that we are adults can make our own plans, and that her plan was harmful towards us – he screamed, “Why don't you do something like that with your mother?!” A totally unfounded remark, followed by, “I hope I get to be an asshole at a funeral for one of your family members.” Ah, these are really honorable, mature comments to be made to someone pointing out the flaws in the plan through which they are being unwillingly dragged through. What a way to show that in the future I will be listened to... oh wait! That string of comments means exactly the opposite. It means he will not be listening to me in the future and he has completely missed the entire (obvious) point that this was an unfortunate learning experience; but in order to fully learn from it a conversation with his mother needs to happen.

My mother have been speaking on a very mature level for several years now. We cover a wide range of topics from the intellectual to the emotional. If this was happening in my family, we would have left on Friday morning. My parents would have more then likely given us a check for the amount of the tires and more than enough for gas, which we could have easily cashed when we got back home, relaxed on Monday. But no, Josh and his mother will not bond, or take any kind of communicational lesson from this entire situation.

She'll go back to popping “happy pills,” as she has named them so, and Josh will go back to not having true communication with his parents, but feel it is OK to talk down about my relationship with my family.

I am glad this happened, it has shown me that it is not my family that is fucked... we are emotionally complex, we have been through a lot, we have had bad things happen a lot... but we love each other and have communication on the level that other families do not.

It's just like when Ryan would tell me my family was so messed up, but he could not talk to his mom about several issues, and his relationship with his father was practically nonexistent ; or when Matt would go off about my family, but he didn't talk to his mother after moving out for like over a year, and his relationship with his father was “strained” at best. I remember stories of how Matt would wait by the front window waiting for his daddy to come home. He would wait, an wait, sometimes even falling asleep there. I am pretty sure that those situations have had little to no change.

The problem now is different. I am not emotionally retarded, and I do not wish for the person to which I am married to allow themselves to be emotionally retarded or worse, emotionally stagnant. I fully expect that efforts be made to not only develop, but also to evolve on all emotional and communicational levels. Having a clear conversation about how this trip effected us on JUST one level, is a small request. I am not asking that Josh tell her about how he felt, or what he experienced mentally while at this funeral. I am simply asking him to say something along the lines of, “Hey mom, I am glad we could be there for you on the way there and at the funeral. I just need you to know that we can't always go along with your plans and it would have been better for us to leave Friday for these reasons...” But this will not be said, it's waste of energy to even type this.

Silliness

2008-08-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

Driving

Ignite and roll back.

Forward progression at a geological rate-
Only riding by so slowly
That it would seem like an
Ant raft drifting through molasses.
The first gear frustration of right lane driving.

Clutch,
Shift.

Moving now at a faster pace,
But not the speed the riders seeks.
The road side is still clear images
Of grass and homes,
Dogs and people.
All cut to precise dog and people
Size,
With hands and paws,
Hair and fur.
Eyes observing, looking in
As we pass by.

Clutch,
Shift.

Third gear is a tease,
With the mild taste of speed-limit reaching,
But not speeding glory.
The over-the-pants-humping slut of this
Four wheeled brothel’s transmission.
She begins to pump the cylinders
Faster, and heat the engine up,
But it does not get bothered for her.

Clutch,
Shift.

Looking out the windows
The shapes begin to blur.
The grass slips into fur,
Paws into hands,
Feet into side walks.

Clutch,
Shift.

Cylinders pumping in a hot engine.
Gas burning away at an alarming rate.
The spooling is heard before the vehicle takes
Its last speed jump.

Turbo.

What comes around…

2008-08-15T00:08:00.000-07:00

So I was planning to use the first hour at the office to work on my writing, since I have finally found an editor for my work. I forgot the cord for the laptop, and it desperately needs a new battery – so I did not have much time. I decided I would email myself the full contents of the text file and work on it from my PC instead. Well, that plan was completely wrecked, and here is why:

Carolina,

So let me start off by saying what this email isn't. This is not an attempt to pry into your life and buisness whatsoever. I'm not expecting a response and I'm fine with that. It is simply a way for me to tell you that until only recently have I become completely aware of how fucked up me cheating on you was.

They say you can never really understand what it's like until you experience on your own. Without getting too emo lets just say that believe what happened in my previous relationship was my karma for what I did to you. Now if thats true or not is up to speculation, but it put me in a place that I remember seeing you in. A place I had put you. A place I have recently come away from.

I am sending you this because I think its an important step towards becoming a better person.

I'm sorry I hurt you the way I did and it wasn't ok.

Be Well-

Ryan

I accept the apology but I almost wish he had not written to me at all.

For starters, my email address has changed about 5 times since we parted ways, so how did he get it? I don’t recall if it’s on any other page of mine… and it makes me believe he may possibly be reading this (my blogspot). I don’t want to reply, I don’t feel that perusing any type of contact with people such as Ryan is necessary or would be healthy.

I don’t feel bad or sorry for him about he’s recent hardship – he made that bed, and we all know how that one goes. Was it not a blaring warning sign that the person he was selecting was a poor choice when she wanted to be with him even though he had a girlfriend he claimed to love and wanted to “never hurt her again?” It just seems like poor judgment is meant to be his curse.

His line about, “becoming a better person,” is really old too. First it was that going to FX school was going to make him better, then it was finding Jesus, then it was China and Mikey, then it was trying to make amends with me, then it was California, then, then, then… how many times is he going to say it? Why not just do it? Becoming a better person does not require the statement being made, you simply do it – practice without preaching. He of course, did not think on how it would effect me or my husband - yet another selfish move from him. He jsut wanted to get this off of his chest, or say it in the hopes of some deeper forgiveness, or just because he's that desperate to connect with someone.

I don’t believe that saying any of this to him would be beneficial to him or me, so I won’t reply. After all, I am not exactly innocent in the mess the situation was. I was very difficult, and I did endanger the friendship between Ryan and Cameron. I did try to apologize and make amends with him even after that, but it was he who locked me out. I had to forgive him for the pain he caused, but some how it was justified for him not to forgive me. There were idle threats from people like Chandra about, “leaving Ryan alone,” and accusations from his mother… who of all people should have understood the anger I felt.

The end of the entire mess had a disturbing resemblance to what had happened between Matt, Kat, and Jason… I had told the truth and I was the one “banished” for it. Conscious Ignorance is a disgusting characteristic.

I hope that my callousness is not confused for ill will. I do not wish or hope that anything bad happens or haunts people like Ryan or Matt, Jason or Cameron, or even Heather or Kat. I simply do not have the energy to spend thinking about a demise I will never get to see. I have my own problems to solve, and happiness to enjoy. These bumps along the way have done little more then strip away naivety and leave scars which fade away with time.

Maybe Ryan truly is taking steps to being a better person. Maybe this was just a side-effect of his desperation – so alienated and feeling unloved that he sought to connect with someone, anyone for any reason possible. “We have suffered the same pain now.” Maybe he secretly hopes for a reply, or even a friendship. That ship has long since sailed. Trying to be friends with Ryan would yield no benefit whatsoever. Most importantly, it would make Josh very upset. Secondly, I have nothing in common with Ryan, I tried to change myself to relate to him, but we never made a deep intellectual and spiritual connection. We did some drugs, I got some cuts, we were intense, he took a lot of time and emotion from me, but he never sacrificed anything for me… ever. The few fond memories I had of Ryan have faded away, and only fuzzy images of the painful ones are left, their pain has dulled like an old blade. So there is no need for a reply.

I am glad that Ryan apologized, and that’s where it ends.

Mistress

2008-08-06T22:16:00.000-07:00

The fragile protective organ
Split, like a ruby smile.
Allowing the exposure of
Fiber and tissue, before
Filling, and then overflowing with
The gleaming homogeneous solution.
Flowing vibrantly,
Pulsing with the rhythm of its once-host:
Escaping, from nutrient rich to oxygen rich
At an alarming rate; in waves but slowing.
A count down in diminishing will,
For shame the rush of it,
For shame the halt of it.

Did the overwhelming taste of life fill that mouth so quickly,
That like poison, you were so hasty to spit it out?

The scenes are always cliché to the point of disrespect,
Different only in their cast:
The final blow to a overwrought existence,
Weighty with that scent,
Unmistakable and heavy.

My own ears now straining to hear that song this puddle heard,
But none comes to me.
The fabled crooning which serenaded yet another away,
Is only silence to the rest of us,

The theys between us that seem to slip away in the night,
Those attuned to a temptress from which, once had, there is no release.
She lingers in blades and pills, in quiet lulls of the night.
She teases in tears and sings through arguments.
She dances on rooftops with easy access.
She calls on the hardest days – stalks her prey,
Awaiting the moment to present herself,
Naked and delicious,
Easier to hold then tomorrow is to suffer through.

The fragile protective organ
Splits and she shows her ruby smile.

Chatter Clatter: All that Noise Outside My Head

2008-07-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

I am feeling surprisingly normal…

Despite the conversations that happened today. Maybe it was the work out this morning.

Between 3 and 4pm:

Christa: Sorry I missed bowling … [Insert confusing story about brother not babysitting child etc.]
Me: No problem I only stayed for one game, and I did terrible.
Christa: C’mon, I am sure it wasn’t that bad.
Me: I played 1 game and didn’t break 50, I got a 48.
Christa: [Insert roaring laughter.] My son, who is six, would beat you. He usually bowls about 90.
Me: [Insert utter embarrassment.]

Between 5 and 6pm:

Justin: Dude, we messed up and I feel bad.
Me: What are you talking about?
Justin: You know who thinks we were making fun of her.
Me: What? Why?
Justin: She was told about the conversation from bowling.
Me: My sucking?
Justin: No, about the DVC and not knowing and… [Insert explanation.]
Me: Ah. Well why is she mad? It was all in good fun, and not making fun of her, just commentary on how badly this place sucks… and the utter lack of training.
Justin: Well that’s not how she took it.
Me: Well did she say who told her?
Justin: No, but logically, if I didn’t and you didn’t, and she does not talk to him, him, and him… that leaves Ginny.
Me: [Insert utter and complete disappointment.]

Why oh why let us down over something so fucking petty???
The world will never know.

So I go to address it with you know who, since Ginny was not at work today…

Me: Hey, are you ok?
Her: Yeah, I am fine in most ways.
Me: Oh. Well what’s on you’re mind?
Her: Just that I feel like people around here… well any way I told Justin about it.
Me: Yeah, I’m sorry.
Her: It’s fine, we’re on the same team here and supposed to be supportive and helpful, and if you don’t want to do that, just don’t offer to help. You know what I mean?
Me: Yeah…

You know what? All I wanted to say was, “Yes, that’s true, but it is also a fact that if you take yourself, or anyone else for that matter, too seriously, you will miss out on all the fun; and around here, there’s a shortage of fun. So buck up, take it like someone who has a sense of humor, and laugh a little.”

Stephen G then reminded me that there is such a thing as a stupid question – it makes you look stupid to ask things you should not only already know, but be second nature to you. Would you ask the person in the stall next to you if you should wipe your own ass? I accepted the point, and felt better… but only by a little bit.

I got to watch the Daily Show and the Colbert Report… I never get to, and I really like them. And we ate Rainer Cherries. So, at least the night has a happy ending.

Music is my...

2008-07-12T20:47:00.000-07:00

How is it that I never knew Pitchfork.TV AND Break AND DanceTrippin.TVnever existed???

I must be living under a rock.

Break

I wish my IT job was this much fun

Pitchfork.TV
Discovery: Genghis Tron, "Things Don't Look Good"

Discovery: Hercules & Love Affair, "Blind"

Discovery: RZA, "You Can't Stop Me Now" ... But the question is, why do I like this song?

Now for some [N I И]

Echoplex

Letting You

10.000.00

Oh my freaking god!!! I cannot wait to see these guys in September. It's going to be insane.

I have maxed out my Pandora stations. You only get 100. But I guess you can combine stations by adding an artist to an existing station.

Everyone has heard this song, it's on an iPod commercial:

seep

2008-07-08T02:57:00.000-07:00

2 quick Haikus:

I am the hunter.
Stalking prey by sheer instinct.
Run, run. It can’t hide.

The dark reign has come
Casting its long, sad shadow
The revolt is quick.

Seep

His secret’s out.
The sadness of his existence has seeped
Through the painted beach scenery like sap from a wounded tree.
The truth has found them all;
While he has found nothing.
There is no treasure awaiting for him on
Those distant beaches.
Only the loneliness sought while
Blinded by his ego.

The garden remembers when he left,
So inflated, over compensating for his fear,
But unwilling to compromise,
Unwilling to peer just beyond-
Unable to wake up from the dream,
If only for a moment to sense the joy of the reality
He had so graciously been given.

Despite the fires he started the plants flourished and flowers bloomed
For him.
The garden gave sweet scents, soft pelts,
Nourished his heart, mind, body, and soul.
Ungrateful,
Undeserving,
Lying,
Deceitful,
The masterful engineer of his demise.
Cast out from Eden-
But instead of earning his return,
He damned the garden.

He only accepted the concrete
Because it wanted him to step on it.
He didn’t love the gritty, dirty, city;
He loved being loved by her
While incapable of returning any emotion.
She had no heat to give,
Only the release of what she consumed from
Day hours of the summer months,
But in winter the city grew cold,
She could not depend on his frigid heart to
Pump any heat into her.
Her concrete cracked,
Soon melted into the sand of the nearby
Treasureless beach.

Therein lies the issue:
His vacancy of heart and soul,
And limited mind
Made it impossible for him to be anything.
He was never and will never be a
Poet or an Artist, a gardener of love.
He knows only how to display pain and repulsiveness.
Transforming even coveted beauties into the grotesque.
He does not know inner beauty,
Only emptiness and ugliness,

His hunger will never end.
He will burn every garden,
Seek every beach,
Climb every mountain.
Endlessly searching,

For what she has found,
It was with her all along.
Her garden grew.
Expanding in every direction.
Giving life, love, and laughter to everything
To which it could spread-
The overgrowth unstoppable,
Its joy endlessly fulfilling,
overflowing and exploding,
Exuding and excited.
Full of hope and happiness.
This once-garden, is a forest at full strength.
Plentiful.

I do not pity you,
I never will.
Do you ever ask yourself,
“What will I do when all I have left is ashes and sand,
And water I can’t drink?”
Will your skin be enough then to shield you
From yourself?
Will you sell your body off cell by cell,
Strand by strand,
Nail by nail?
Leaving only your mouth,
Your legacy: to lie and consume.

I will get fat and full,
Like a golden Buddha,
A laughing Hotei.
Living as one with the tall trees,
Dancing in the gentle rain,
Enduring the storms in a temple of family,
Caring for my loved ones and my own wounds
With patience and wisdom.

The tiny pot, with just one seed,
You tried so shamelessly to break has seeped
Through the painted scenery,
As truth always seeps in.

Hotei's associated virtue is magnanimity.

Word to ponder:

Magnanimity

1. the quality of being magnanimous.
2. a magnanimous act.

Magnanimous

1. generous in forgiving an insult or injury; free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness: to be magnanimous toward one's enemies.
2. high-minded; noble: a just and magnanimous ruler.
3. proceeding from or revealing generosity or nobility of mind, character, etc.: a magnanimous gesture of forgiveness.

Karma does not need a human tool, I will sincerely make attempts at being more magnanimous.

A Classic

2008-06-29T02:27:00.000-07:00

Now I am 16 again, but only for a moment.

Ponderings

2008-06-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

Since I left therapy today I have been seriously thinking, deeply and thoroughly, as to what I should do with my future. I seem to have no shortge of suggestons; people at the office would tend to say I am good with numbers, billing, explanations, and the "corporate culture." CPA or other accounting/finance related degrees have been mentioned, but I have too much of a voice, to follow the well paved, well known, noncreative path of the money herded sheeple.

My parents, with their pride and love for me, chimed in as always, with their suggestion to complete my degree in Letters & Philosophy, and then continue into Law School. They sincerely believe that I have a clarity of thought, writing ability, and true talent for debate; most importantly, that I have a sense of Justice. While I truly appreciate their faith in my abilities, my ego is not so inflated, and I fear I would not do well in Law School, nor be a good lawyer.

I considered following a more technical path, looking into achieving my CCNA or another computer/data related certification; but these are not things that come naturally to me. It seems, the more I learn about computers, the less intuitive they become. Well, more knowledge makes them easier to use, the act of using them becomes more complicated, less enjoyable, and more of task. Where before writing an entry was an electronically scripted version of scribbling in my old journals, it has now become less than enough to only incorporate writing. People visit the internet for stimulation - and really, what stimulation can my lunacy really bring?

Other fields of math and science have little to no appeal. Not only am I bad at these subjects, but I find that I do very poorly in a lab seeting.

This leaves of course, the humanities: Literature, Fine Art, Art History, History, Human Geography, Political Sciences, Law, etc. Fields of study which not only come naturally to me, but with which I identify as a funtioning member. Even though these journals will never be published, and probably read by less than twently people, they are a mental exercise, one that allows me to reflect at the moment, and compare my thoughts from the past and present. This is my personal history.

There are, of course, areas of the humanities which have more appeal than others. Psychology, of instance, while vastly interesting, is not a field which I could persue. Mainly, for fear of self-analysis and the destructive powers which seem so deeply rooted in simply knowing (or worse, thinking one knows) how others think. The study of Humanities as a general field, has always been disappointing. It would seem that it should be renamed: Cultural Studies. It is mixture of all the humanities, ranging from architectual style, to music, and everrything inbetween. For me, it lacks the depth and details that, for example, Philosophy provides.

Literature and Philosophy, in my eyes, are truly the same. While youu can produce enjoyable work without philosophical content; meaningful literature, always carries a message. Writers' themes and tones, communicate the true meaning of their work to their audience. A good writier, I believe, has studied, not only his unique life experiences, but braodened his horizons by studying, in great depth, Sociology, History, Human Geography, Politics, Religion, Philosophy, and in some cases, Anthropology. It would seem that the best authors, study the existing world so crefully, that they are able to craft an entirely new universe for readers to explorer. Take as examples, J.R.R, Tolkien and C.S. Lewis: Excellent scholars first, and exceptional authors second.

I would truly love to become published, but not for a meaningless work, but rather for delivering a message of great importance - a message to inspire others. I some times feel that my generation is going to remembered only as scripts and codes; I fear that our intellectual contribution will be lacking in emotional depth. We did not have a great war - and the war we have we do not seem to be altered by, showing only our frightful expectation of violance and sad acceptance of oppression.

All I am is one of the many, lost in the sea of uncertainty. All my clarity of thought or talent wasted, as time passes and I wait in indecision.

I have been seriously thinking, deeply and thoroughly, as to what I should do with my future.

work writing.

2008-06-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

I have been writing at work. I am pretty sure its not the best environment to be writing, but anyway….

This ego is a shallow pool;
A mirrored image of the ugliness inside
With no one looking down.
A wishing well, not keeping any promises
For pennies never reaching its soggy bottom.

This puddle,
Muddled and confused,
“Who was that directed at anyway?”
The sigh and lingering desire;
This psyche is cracked,
But sometimes
The light allows for a peeping
Smile.
A lie refracted, altered, and stretched
To fit the glossy finish.

Deflation is so relieving,
While all the greatness is leaving;
Sneaking out some unknown back door.
This ego
Is leaking,
Weakening,
Drying up.

Leaving only
The hole.

Square peg, round hole,
And still she tries.
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
Trying so hard to make reality fit,
The image of the mind.

Colorblind.
Red means what?
To who?
Where?
Then green.
They don’t let the colorblind be pilots.
How do they fly?

Bang!
Bang!
Bang!

Crawling along the rough ground,
Toughens knees,
Prepped for begging.

Square peg, round hole,
And still she tries.

Colorblind.
Red means she went after it the only way she could.
Wearing a gun and dropout’s jilted smile.
Tilted thoughts, skewed until she fit
Reality in the image of her mind.

All it took was one Bang.

Her little round body,
In a square box.
Six feet deep into the rough ground.

(I don’t like this one, but I wrote it… ugh, needs fixing, editing, etc.)

everything gets broken
time has its way of making it all
worn and torn
somehow reality loses all its lacquer
after the crows leave their marks
next to aging eyes

take for instance the joy of dancing
what a way to wear your joints
down to the bone
the creaking cracking hereafter
of those nights
not so long ago

in mind, it was just yesterday
that the beat was loud
and feet moved rhythmically
on some faded strip of ground

all that sound to fray the scilia
of your ears
to stretch and ruin those precious ear drums

all those nights of squinting and drinking
of "looking fine"
only to sweat it off

every beat a slipping moment
another second gone

everything gets broken
tired aging wrinkles
tearing tendons
wearing Prada on aging bones

the sun is setting but no ones
dancing in this quiet night.

Placebo

2008-06-26T01:57:00.000-07:00

Goodbye George

2008-06-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

I don't usually care when someone famous dies; however, George Carlin was not only funny, but intelligent. He will be missed.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25322638/

and in case the article get's removed I have included its text below.

LOS ANGELES - Comedian George Carlin, a counter-culture hero famed for his routines about drugs and dirty words, died of heart failure at a Los Angeles-area hospital on Sunday, a spokesman said. He was 71.

Carlin, who had a history of heart and drug-dependency problems, died at Saint John’s Health Center in Santa Monica about 6 p.m. PDT after being admitted earlier in the afternoon for chest pains, spokesman Jeff Abraham told Reuters.

Known for his edgy, provocative material, Carlin achieved status as an anti-Establishment icon in the 1970s with stand-up bits full of drug references and a routine called “Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television.” A regulatory battle over a radio broadcast of the routine ultimately reached the U.S. Supreme Court.

< a h r e f = w h o / l o s t . o n l i n e >

2008-06-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

In shades of red and negative
They watch the shadows fade

On bits and bytes they overdose
The flickering connection to reality
Galssy eyed but non-reflective
The breathing, pumping LCD

Synaptic whispered question:
When did you last blink?

The amplified contact
Never heard, only typed
They never met and always lied

In tones of shell and script
The new world is self-grown
Clicked out and edited on PhotoShop
Cheapen by the mindless nightmare of
Unrestricted, Unlimited, Unpersonable

The luxury unit once earned
Now average and standard
Consuming and comsumed
Its quanity unbearable
Its quality mysterious

On bits and bytes they overdose

Now blogging from...

2008-06-13T00:39:00.000-07:00

... anywhere. Thanks to my new little buddy:

Ah yes ain't that fresh?
Everybody wants to get down like this...

... no wait, it's just the speed of the network getting to my head.

This one is for you.

2008-06-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

"Snakecharmer"
Rage Against the Machine

Satellites and, pair of mirrors and, and a man without a home
With a horse, and a rider, and a clever, cunning killer
Silent in error and vocal in spotlights
Lying always sucking on a bottle of, that sweet, indulgent fluid
Oh greed oh yes oh greed oh yes!
Oh greed oh yes
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Your friendship is a fog
That disappears when the wind redirects
You!
Yes you!

Father's expectations, soul soaked in, spit and urine
And you gotta make it where?
To a sanctuary that's a fragile American hell
An empty dream
A selfish, horrific vision
Passed on like the deadliest of viruses
Crushing you and your naive profession
Have no illusions boy
Vomit all ideals and serve
Sleep and wake and serve
And don't just think just wake and serve
Yeah!
Yeah! (Left channel - 26 years in this stage
Yeah! you're 26 years in this stage)
Yeah!
Your friendship is a fog
That disappears when the wind redirects
You! Interested in you, interested in you
Interested in you, interested in you...

What a bad taste was left in my mouth
After the kiss you gave-
Promised not to be the last, not to be goodbye.
If I let it, it won't be.
My heart is not a sail for the fickle winds to fill.

Take your foul breeze else where,
I have no desire to traverse oceans to reach you
any longer.

New Phone

2008-06-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

I got a new phone today! w00t.

Check out all its Magic here

Shopping?

2008-06-06T19:41:00.000-07:00

Well last night I did not even make it to the end of my shift- stress sucks, 'nough said.
Pills - no opinion or comment at this time.

Ok... it's time to going shopping.

♥ Scrub
♥ Not-everyday-cleanser
♥ Blending Brush
♥ Skin Magic

Tomorrow DSW (thank goodness I have a gift card).

Office? Where?

2008-06-04T11:35:00.001-07:00

For those who do not know, my job duties have increased, both in amount and difficulty, but I have not been provided with a raise. A raise will also not be provided for me next March (of 2009) due to how many days I missed at work (yes, yes, my own stupid fault). Our new director would not really hear my case, nor do I feel like hunting down a Dr. that would be willing to fight an FMLA case with my company. So instead of battling it out within my current department, I have opted to get the hell out of e-care.

As of June 20th I will be applying for a new jobs, both within my current company, and elsewhere. The ideal position for me would include:

♥ Still allow me to carpool with Josh
♥ Tuition reimbursement and allow me time to go back to school
♥ At least $3 more per hour than I am currently making
♥ Have a night-shift
♥ Have little to no contact with customers
♥ Work on or be as close as possible to a national/regional server, hub, router, NM (network maintenance) location, or IS (information systems) position
♥ Have on the job training as well as out-of-office meetings, training, and other learning opportunities
♥ Not be salary (because that’s just a corporate trick, work longer hours without the over time pay)… ummm, If I have to be here for 16 hours fixing someone else’s mistake, you WILL be paying me. Thanks.
♥ Allow me to have a similar schedule with Josh

Basically I want to baby-sit a server and replenish IPs from 4pm to midnight or 1am. Any offers? I am pretty sure I will need to go back to school, even if only for a little while, before anyone takes me seriously. I am not all that concerned, I learn quickly and work well, and I am highly adaptive. So as soon as I get motivated, I am sure it will get done.

Now… to work out.

p.s.

I know I need to update the vidoes on my user info / profile page. Will do as soon as I have some time to fool around on YouTube.

honesty in dimenudo

2008-06-03T00:47:00.001-07:00

Skipping briskly by,
Singing softly,
moving past until the
the memory is of a speeding hum
is all that's left-
the words are all gone.

Thoughts and passengers filling in
the lyrics along the ride.
Finding vocabulary,
real or invented to fit
the time and place.
All that baggage.

Not an orchestra with their
classy outfits and fine tuned
sills and instruments-
dissectors of sound.
All that sheet music.

A masterpiece on the Pentatonic Scale-
misunderstood.
Tantalizing, but still,
the fearful do not get near.
All those lies.

In counts of fives on sevens,
threes and fours, the static crescendos,
but no hands fly to any dials or tuning knobs-
the orchestra cringes.
All those stats.

The fleeting
frantic
Rimsky-Korsakov
of truth.
All that mania.

The passengers cannot make words to it.
They struggle in the whirlwind and are hushed.
It terrifies them with its noise,
causes such a fuss,
this fading buzz of a sting-less
invisible bee.
All that fear.

The bus rides on,
all those passengers-
making up the language as they go-
all those lies;
short lived and slowly told.
Whole note moments in half time.

Apple Wins Again!

2008-05-28T00:25:00.000-07:00

LOL!!! LMFAO!!! ZOMG!!!

Do you see this Mr. Jobs? Why did you build a platform with such horrible coding and that is incompatible with an unacceptable % of software. Dude, I mean really?

Ah, good Old Samsung.

Memorable

2008-05-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

I don’t remember ever having a “memorable” Memorial Day weekend, and while this was not exactly exciting, I had an awesome weekend. First, I had this amazing night (*hint, hint, wink, wink*) with Josh… mmm.

I just got my hair cut… and I LOVE it. I have not had my hair cut since I still worked at Ulta (ugh) so it was not only a little different, but I went to a new place and that’s always a little scary too. The place got an awesome review online and by the WestWord. I am totally stoked! It looks great… now if only the reset of me would catch up.

I will post pics later!!!

p.s.

I hope i remember to post about my hair dresser too! OMG!

(Shallow) Disappointment

2008-05-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

So I just realized that even after my tax return I am not going to have enough money to go shopping, I may even have to cancel my hair cut. I have not had a real hair cut since before my wedding… how awesome is that? (Does the sarcasm reach you?)

Anyway, so I just don’t like not having the cash to be able to do the things I want. It feels like I am always working… always. It is really beginning to make be depressed (again). I have to realize that part of this feeling today, is because I was bouncing off the walls yesterday. And the beauty of bi-polar is that the up is always followed by the down… the higher you go the harder the fall.

The part I don’t get is that Josh said he wanted me to go shopping, but then was not exactly careful about the money. Of my last check, I was not involved, benefited, or asked about where 67% of that money went… and 33% went to things for the both of us, like NIN tickets and groceries. And the tax return is apparently all gone, ugh… I don’t feel like starting a fight about it. It’s a long weekend and I want to enjoy it.

I am just really tired of being broke, or just barely making it. I would really enjoy getting just one new outfit or a nice hair cut, something fun that will make me feel pretty for 5 minutes. Is that so much to ask? I work 8 hours a day in a stupid place I don’t even like. The company fucks my over hard-core, frequently… but can’t even go shopping once in a blue fucking moon, or get my hair cut once every two years.

… oh well. We’ll see how things go when Josh is working again.

Chocolate Battle

2008-05-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

First and foremost, I must admit my failure: this was a very bad weekend food-wise for me. On Saturday I ate myself into being sick, and last night, despite the urge to “be good” I picked at snacks, mostly sweets, to the point where I still felt full when I woke up. These are, in fact, perfect examples of binging. I know that path, and where it leads: weight gain despite disgusting purging. I hate vomiting. I try to avoid it as much as possible, but that is where massive binges lead, uncontrollable or guilt driven purges. On Sunday, my body forced the binge out, today, I am fighting not to allow myself to purge. I remember a time where I puked out almost every other meal; I don’t want to go down there again.

I do have to stop smoking. There is not anyway around it. Last night made it really obvious. My night snack binges are directly related to the fact that I smoke weed. Sad really, but not snacking while high would be an exercise in torture, rather than pleasure. So, in all fairness to myself, I want neither to sit and suffer nor do I want to binge myself into illness. The only reasonable solution is to stop smoking. After all, I will also be saving fifty, if not one hundred, dollars a month- another, undisputable, benefit.

I would usually enter a clause here about how smoking would still be OK or allowed on weekends. However, I have realized that it is the weekends that are the worst times for me “against food.” Not that food is my enemy, but my worst temptation.

I also need more will power to:
1. check on my WeightWatchers on a much more regular basis, at least twice per day.
2. not eat after 10PM (only because I don’t plan on sleeping until 2AMand waking up at 10AM).
3. get up an work out, not hang out in bed (no matter how good the cuddles are).
4. stick to my diet and points, or only eat the foods I can track the points for on the WW site.
5. avoid fast food, even when Josh wants it.

Best of luck (to myself of course).

no one's surprises...

2008-05-17T15:05:00.000-07:00

To no one's surprise, that Kara run last weekend was never finished. Not a big deal. But I knew it was not going to happen on Mother's Day.

I finally cranked out some poetry, not very good as usual, but at least it's a creative outlet.

To no one's surprise, ashley and I did not hang out on her birthday. She was "hammered" when I texted her and all she could thumb out at the time wasa hi. She did tell me that in the process she spilled her drink on a man in a wheelchair. I left more sympathy for the man, not sure what she meant by sharing that litle story.

Work this week was a disaster. while I made my numbers with ease, I have found myself in an awkward position. We had a meeting about our new attendance policy. I asked one direct and simple question, "You can now be fired for using flex time, correct?" and, of course, this was labeled as obnoxious. When did being direct become obnoxious? Why is it that I am rude simply because I do not want to waste my time on corporate bullshit? Everyone in the meeting room agreed with me, if not, they would hve spoken up. That was not the case however, all the other people that did speak, agreed with me... what does that say to management? Apparently, nothing.

What I did get out of the meeting: my manager, not supervisor, must feel threatened by my assertive and outspoken personality. I sincerely believe that she dislikes me because I like to cut through bullshit like a hot knife through butter. This is the characteristic that make me a valuable entity to the company. I am a shear results based person, I do my job well, and only strive to do it better. I think that my disregad for the "big wigs" really bothers her. It is a shame, since she is obviously in a position where she could prevent a lot more than I could ever deal with. But this would require that she performed her job well and spend less time bullying her staff.

My direct supervisor did advise, "Do not be a speaker for the people, they are the first to hang." How sad. Like all the outspoken people with leadership characteristics, I have been threatened. Bullied into silence... but only cowards remain silent. Truth seekers, light shiners, and true revolutionary spiits infiltrate and watch the system crumble from within, if they are verry good and the ystemm rather bad already, they do not even need to do anything. Just take in the magestic beast as it devours itself. This I learned from my stepfather. To truly gain power you must climb the ladder, and when you are looking down, on all that middle management, they look tiny, insignificant and meek- and then it is they who fear you.

Should I ever reach a position of corporate "power" I will not bully my subordinates, as my direct leaders have done with me. I will listen to the speaker for the people, for they may save a sinking ship.

Anyway, I am trying to hang out with Christa as she may possibly be a decent person. She is having this night, but not quite midnight, bowling party. I have wanted to go bowling since like last year, and we can never find the time or hve the spare cash. So on Thursday I check the bank account, and, to no one's surprise, it was over drawn. So I asked Josh to do me one small favor and borrow a small sum of cash from his folks until I got paid. To no one's surprise, he did not do this. So today, we fought about it. All I really wanted to say was, "If you were working already we wold not be in this jam," but that really would have only led him to reply, "Oh my god [insert reason here]," and the arguement would have ruined the whole day.

I am not ready for a ruined day, my weekends are much to valuable to be wasted on petty arguements that should have been completely avoided, not just manuvered around. So I sat there and said very little. The job thing is much the same, Josh never does anything until I am mad about it not getting done, until I am ready to explode. This is a fact of marriage, I am told. Men simply do not foresee things like women do.

After a quick scrap, not a big fight; after I change my plans with Christa; after we don't even need the money any longer and I have relinquished the idea of going bowling, he says, "Well, I m going to go get that now." Um, WTF? Again, the fact, that nothing gets done, until it's too late. It makes it even worse, it realy does. His reluctance makes be feel like a burden on him... and it hurts, and gets old fast.

There is no real solution to this problem. Josh will never just explain himelf at the very beginning of a request and he will continue to not do something until either it is too late or no longer wanted. He will continue to make me angry about things that I find completely avoidable and unnecessary. And it will continue to be no one's surprise.

"bones"

now i wait,
like i did then, only then i left the light on.
waiting, casting a shadow, not hiding in the dark.
gripping reality with tiny curled toes-
one day it happened
the ground, cleared its throat is one quick
growl- swallowed me whole.

i am sure even the dust settled in the same places as i disappeared.

little particles, sneeze creating miniture monsters
and their silent, slow march over all the furniture.

the vacancy seeped through the house like a sedated termite infestation.

the sun rose, and set.

the house got dustier, it's paint faded and chipped-
wrinkled the once smooth, near perfect, water-resistant,
weather-protected, almost plastic, but not that tacky, surface.
its wood began to bow and give.

the dust grew and coated the interior gray.

the earth never gowled open again, but one day the house did.
not soon after its ceiling collapsed, and benethe all the rumble,
they found a little pile of little old lady bones.

"sicklic"

the moon is brightest when reflecting the sun's tortuous rays.
she shines and suffers all at once,
a beautiful night charade.

she wanes slowly, turning away from the ever brighter
bright burning star.
oh, but she waxes just as quickly
to return
only to recoil
again.

this dizzying cyclone spins 'round
silently through miles of heaven few
have traversed.
even now, she is wanting him
and hating him, and she's buring
in the vacuum of her obsession.

a lunar fly trap of disappointment.
a disatrous eternally loop,
cheaply made,
and not a bit original-
law of physics.

this is how they intertwine,
the giant and the pebble.
gravity's masterrpiece-
and we with such smal minds and eyes,
observing their enormous tragedy.

p.s.

Have been watching Samuri 7 on IFC... very cool.

Nice weekend

2008-05-11T04:28:00.000-07:00

From the time I got off work Friday night, we have been having a great time.

12:00 am

Went to Finn's. Only had 2 tiny drinks, but felt great. Had a really fun time. Steve came out with us for the first time. He seemed to have a pretty good time, and Josh talked about cars with him a little.

A few of us think something is happening between some of our fellow co-workers. No names to be dropped here, but it makes me giggle a little... it really is a lot like high school if you get sucked in.

Anyway, did not have a hang over of any kind because I ate and made sure to drink water and take an Advil before bed.

9:30am

Woke up "early" to get NIN tickets for the Red Rocks show. Got decent seats. Yay! NIN /T.R. puts on the best live show I have ever seen. I am taking the entire day off so we can get there early. Last time NIN played Red Rocks, they were signing t-shirts and taking pictures with fans that were there really early.

7:00pm

Went to see Speed Racer at the IMAX. Woo hoo! Talk about fun. The movie was really colorful, fast, and refreshing. It was totally filmed 100% on a green-screen, but it looks amazing. They did a good job with the story, an the effects are innovative and different from anything else out there. Even the scene cutting and organizing is unique. And, Christina Ricci is super adorable!

Time starts getting a little fuzzy after the movie.
We went to J-ru's, which we have not been to in a long time. We have pretty much been relaxing and being lazy since. It rocks.

Tomorrow... well today, since it's a quarter to 6, is Mother's Day, and I have to finish a Kara run. Hope it works out.

Sweeney Todd

2008-05-09T04:49:00.000-07:00

Watched Sweeney Todd last night. It was really, really good, but I remember the ending being much different. Then again I watched it when I was in 5th grade, and it may have been an edited version. Anyway, it was super bloody and full of gore.

Trailer below:

Ah, and during the movie Ashley texted me again and has invited me to hand out with her on her birthday, she is apparently having some very large ordeal. She even mentioned a hotel room and hanging out with some of the wonderfully, funny gay boys she introduced me to before, come along with us. It is after all, her only 21st birthday.

I am just glad that she picked up the ball on our friendship. I had deleted her number from my phone to prevent “bothering” her, since I figured she probably had trailed off as many other people have before. This is much better, I really rather like being friends with her… even if she is with David all the time. If he makes her happy, or she is just convinced that she can’t do better then him, or they really are meant to be; I don’t care about him. If he does break her heart again, then I’ll probably just do the same thing I did before – be there when she needs some one.

Hmmm

2008-05-08T04:51:00.000-07:00

I thought I had something to say, but I don't I was just confused and *not high*. You don't realize how much you like weed until you don't have it for a little while. Strange, I have such an addictive personality... why? Oh well. Still typing but not really saying anything.

Played this at work a whole bunch:

Makes me want to watch Hellsing, play Kingdom Hearts, and dance like "a gothic" (ah old jokes from old friends).

Speaking of Hellsing, OVA is out... here's the trailer.

Well night kids.

EDIT

12:03 PM

Did not want to spit out an entire entry about it, but while I am downing my Red Bull...
Guess who texted me? Ashley. Yep indeed, granted it was not a "Let's hang out," or "How are you," but it was communication. While I know that her situation with David is all consuming, and that she is probably not very interested in our friendship to the same degree I am, it is nice to know she still thinks I am worth talking to.

Where will this go?

mixed bags

2008-05-04T01:18:00.000-07:00

First...

Josh and I have been in WI since Wednesday afternoon. It has been a lot of fun, and totally relaxing... Despite the flight and the two hour drive. I get horribly ill on planes and long car rides. So I was not exactly comfortable or happy for the first eight to ten hours of the trip.

My mother has the most amazing house, it is filled with art and very well kept. She has great taste in natural feeling pieces and has organize the entire house to really flow. I admit I was a little concerned since Josh had never seen how my parents live (his family lives very differently). I was expecting to hear him say at some point that the house reminded him of a museum. However, he really seems to have liked it here. While we were here he did express other concerns- which I believe have been more motivational than critical.

I am truly not looking forward to having to fly back tomorrow...

Second...

Simply put, my period fucking sucks, and my PCOS really only makes it so much worse. I am tired of the lack of regularity and the pain when it finally does arrive. When we get back I am going to do some serious research on what steps I can take to make a dramatic and permanent change in menstrual cycle.

Third...

We just watched I am Legend, and I hated it. 'Nough said, will add more later. Josh ordered 30 Days of Night, for some more scary movie watching.

Fourth...

Stolen Survey:

1 ) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
married.

2) What was your dream growing up?
to be a teacher.

3) What talent do you wish you had?
supposedly i write.

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
a cape cod

5) Favorite vegetable?
zucchini

6) What was the last book you read?
ubuntu os guide and text

7) What zodiac sign are you?
scorpio

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
Explain where.tattoos: alice, panda, gir, irken symbol
piercings: monroe, nostril, lower-lip, ears

9) Worst Habit?
i bite my nails... its gross

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
possibly

11) What is your favorite sport?
swimming

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
i am a cynic

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
ask you uncomfortable questions, or maybe just try to make you laugh

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
not telling.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.can't tell you, sorry.
i'll just say i have something extra.

16) Do you have any pets?
corgi

17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
to visit or mooch?

18) What was your first impression of me?
let's meet and find out!

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
clowns = creepy

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
thinner, thinner, thinner

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
crime partner

22) What color eyes do you have?
brown

23) Ever been arrested?
maybe... :-P

24) Bottle or can soda?
bottle

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
pay off my debt and pay for some school

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
i like any where my hubby is, but mostly home

28) Do you believe in ghosts?
no

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
play wow

30) Do you swear a lot?
i have a sailor's mouth

31) Biggest pet peeve?
where to begin... mostly stupid people.

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
adaptive

33) Do you believe in/appreciate romance?
So much!

35) Do you believe in God?
um in a strange and abstract way

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
I did.

Global warming

2008-04-26T00:56:00.001-07:00

I believe in global warming even though the planet is actually about 7 degrees cooler now then it was at the start of the industrial revolution, and that the effects of global warming happen due to solar radiation and not emissions, even with the fact that the shores of both poles are in constant flux, at no other point in history have we studied the poles so much (that’s why there’s more data) and the real data shows the overall surface area expanding, even if scientists have stated that the planet is slowly dying and getting cooler, even with all that and then some, I believe in global warming because it promotes clean fuels that don’t use anything coming from oil. Because I also believe in greed, and war, and what people will do to each other for the precious little things that are so quickly gone… only to be fought over again. I believe in less pollution, and a healthier planet, I believe that if the war is not making some one money, then the investors will lose interest. To save face they might even have a fake assassination attempt. And then they’d be a hero, of course they’d live, because only a courageous man would take it like he deserved it. Poor Mussolini had a courageous man’s death by force. What a waste. So many brave deaths are given to cheap cowards.

It is sad, it is so sad that being a hobo and getting beat up on the way to the shelter to get the piss flavor soup and hard bread you get the crap beat out of you. Then, bleeding and limping, you get to the shelter and they turn you down because you’re late and it’s full. And as you sadly turn away you realize the mugger unzipped your only shitty shitty possession – a one strapped back-pack that smells some thing a little like the deepest part of a Mexico City sewer, only worse. You keep only 2 things there ever, the boos when you can beg for enough change, or you medicine when the clinic does the shelter check. You know that your sores will come back all over and itch and hurt, bleed and smell into your clothes… and you don’t have boos, and it’s late to start begging. It is only a little sadder than that because there are groups of people out there who are that fucked up to know that happens every day to millions of people, and worse they die- of fighting wars for the greedy, from starvation, from killing each other, from diseases that can be treated, from human injustice, which is so much worse then Satan can cook up. Satan is so much worse at it that his evil acts are looked upon as cool, and he has followers.

As a whole humanity is so bad, that we choose to place people in office that treat us like utter and complete trash. Humanity is a self destructing parasite on a high-speed flying ball, through an area that we have no information on, and have been less then a flash of a synapse in the ever expanding universe. Our existence is so engulfing, and meaningless at the same time. To exist is the ultimate dichotomy. And we continue in people memories even when divided by years and thousands of miles. But we’ll kill each other is massive numbers to be able to live on a source that’s nearly depleted. And people ask how come I am not religious. I have faith, but god is not some omniscient, benevolent, ethereal being. It just is, and it is a waste to think about that when if all that preaching is true, he’ll love you and welcome you because he’s always with you even if your not making your kids have nightmares about turning in salt for being gay. But that’s just me. See, we can’t even celebrate such a mystery without making it scary. Why can’t it be amazing and a mystery? Why do humans fear it so?

Is it then fear that drives us to kill each other? Make the all mighty happy – live green even if you don’t think we’re melting like a fatty in a sauna.

Feeling: Creative

Devil May Cry Episode 1

2008-04-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

.hack//Roots Episode 1

2008-04-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

hair?

2008-04-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

Layered cut / chunky bangs won the poll (only 2 people voted)... but then I remembered I had picked this cut out a while back

Attack of Me

2008-04-14T10:52:00.000-07:00

After feeling so good on Friday, I totally trashed myself over the weekend – I overate in massive quantities (again). Why do I keep doing this to myself? I put forth all this effort and accomplishment over the week… only to undo everything and sabotage myself over the weekends. Why? Why? Why? Now I have even more weight to lose than last Monday! >.< That’s right I actually gained back MORE than what I lost over the week… how incredibly lame. 166 is really too close to 170… and is gross on my small frame.

Anyway… I am downing Red Bull and getting ready to work out – because I NEED to.

I am looking to a new hair cut…

oh joy

2008-04-11T11:47:00.000-07:00

Reasons today rocks:

Today is Friday – best day of the work week, third best day of the whole week
I weighed in a full pound lighter than yesterday
I worked out
I tried on an old paid of jeans... and they FIT!!!
I got paid
I am in a great mood

That’s it. Just a good day… I hope it carries over into work.

Photoshop 30 min exercise: 3 icons

Feeling: Energetic

Post Anniversary

2008-04-07T11:23:00.000-07:00

It was a very bad weekend weight wise. Since today is our anniversary, we spent the weekend celebrating. And last night, after midnight of course, we had some wedding cake that had been in the deep freezer. What’s really awesome is that the freezer that held our cake, also held Josh’s sister’s cake too, and his parent’s wedding cake. Maybe that’s lucky? Despite eating at an alarming pace and gaining a few pounds, I worked out both Saturday and Sunday, and 2 days during the week. I think a liquid fast would really help to clean my system out – just 1 day, nothing to crazy.

Josh has an interview, which is very good since it’s been over a month since he worked. Even if it is just a small job or part-time, it will help us out. We really can’t survive on just my pay check.

A little Shiller to wake me up and get me ready for the day… mmmm

anyone notice Shiller has the same singer as:

Feeling: Loved

Breakfast of champions

2008-04-02T12:59:00.000-07:00

Breakfast of Champions: tuna right from the can - post 2 hour work out.

That's 2 days in a row that I have worked out. I feel really good, sore as fuck, but really good. I have also kept track of my points. Last night I only had some ramen and a tiny piece of pumpkin pie... which I did not even know I liked until like 2 days ago.

Anyway... I have to shower and such for work, and I still have to track my points for today.

<3
caro

Feeling: Chipper

not a vacation

2008-04-01T12:53:00.000-07:00

Well I took a vacation of sorts…

I took some time off from work, stopped working out for a bit, and stopped my diet… I also drank a lot, which is less rare than I’d like it to be. It used to be super rare, endangered in fact. I really can’t handle it and my liver does not like it.

Anyway, I am back on track now. I have been moving and deleting entries and content from BittyBlue, it’s time that old journal be deleted. I still need to move more entries from Death_in_3_2_1 and secret_stash_3. Oh well, it’s not like anybody is actually reading these.

Did two workouts today, the cardio and the ab work, I’ll add the sculpt section tomorrow. I almost stayed within my points yesterday – it is so hard to get back on track after such a horrible derailing.

I guess that’s it…

We need groceries…

Later kids.

p.s.

I am going to get my CCNA

Feeling: Energetic with a dash of Nerdy

via request

2008-03-30T14:08:00.000-07:00

reminders... about tattoo

click for best view

sifting through the past....

“Of fire and ice”

These are the days of fire and ice
Thin and crisp old bones
Made strong by all the walking
Not to be hurt or broken by mere stones

Take heed that child
The mute
Silent tales told to the wind
To be unfurled in lives at a great distances

A prayer to a deaf god
Leaves not hopeless
For when your eyes were closed
An angle read your words not spoken

Bathe not in lies
Communion takes place in many waters
Dead ears lead much further then you’d think

These are the days of fire and ice
You and I
Melt
Put out
And… s t e a m

Feeling: Nostalgic

For Some

2008-03-24T11:10:00.001-07:00

This is how some of you spent college:

Floating

2008-03-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

I went back to work last Wednesday… after a nice week and 2 days off. Not too shabby. I just wish I did not have to go. I would still go, but I wish I could either save the money I made or use it as shopping money, or maybe put towards fertility treatment or… or… or… That list goes on, and on, but regardless of what could be, it is simply not how things are, and while I thought that our money issues would dissipate, it’s going to take a lot longer than I would have liked. What’s funny about the entire situation is that I am not even the one in a hurry for things like a house, and yet I am the one putting forth efforts in stability and income. How did that happen?

I don’t really know what is happening at this point or why it’s happening. I am just floating; if I try to swim I’ll sink. I hate this feeling of stagnation, but all the attempts I have made have back fired on me. I am tired of long conversations that don’t lead to any conclusions, or at least any that I see acted upon. I don’t recognize this territory and I don’t feel I should tread on it, but no one is giving me any directions, and my compass is broken. I am left with more questions than answers, more struggle than joy, and a deep in security of my own future.

Talk about needing what you can't get.

Feeling: Frustrated

P.S.

NIN's US tour dates are in the works, Deven should be some time after August.

Facts

2008-03-05T12:03:00.000-08:00

Fact: I cannot smoke and be on a diet - does not work.
Fact: I have access to exercise equipment and instruction.
Fact: I have access to healthy foods and can measure reasonable portions.
Fact: I am lazy as fuck!

Why I am I sabotaging myself??? It would seem that now that I have everything lined up, now that everything from timing to hardware, from food to fun, is all working out- now, I am losing my motivation. Why? Better yet, what can I do to get it back?

I worked out in a major way today, did both Cardio Party and the Turbo Sculpt (that's 45 each). Usually I feel great, and it motivates me for the next day, but all I can think of now is how sore I am going to be tomorrow. This is not the usual thought pattern. Also, on the days I work out this hard, I manage to give myself just a little extra, about 3 to 5 points, WeightWatchers calls it "activity points," but my mind has cornered me into thinking that only if I stay within my exact points will today be considered any kind of success. It is a self-punishment of course, for the horrible way I ate and treated my body over our recent extended weekend. However, what's done is done, and I can only work on doing better from now on. Famously repeated words for me, "I'll do better..." The thing is, I just do worse and worse. So what's up? Why was it so easy to turn down cake 10 days ago and now this? Attacking cookies, eating until I feel sick, eating when I know I am not hungry, eating all the time... That's not like me. If I wait until I am hungry, I never eat.

I guess the trick is never to allow your body to be hungry. From everything that I have read, and according dietitians I have seen, you are never supposed to allow the body to feel hungry. You are supposed to snack all day long- every 2 to 3 hours, pop a snack; however, be sure to only eat your recommended calories. You also need exercise on a regular basis. Sounds a lot easier than it is. So the plan I have is to workout as many days as I possibly can (hopefully 5 per week) and eat my WW points, and I need to follow some rules:

1. If I can't find out the Calories, fat grams, and fiber grams of a food, I can't it eat either.
2. If I have had all my points for the day, I can't eat anything else, not even cookies.
3. Cookies, candies, ice cream, etc can be eaten ONE at a time and ONE per day.
4. Easy steps to burning more calories throughout the day must be taken:
a. Take the stairs not the elevator.
b. drink only water at your desk.
c. always walk Mischa.
d. don't ask Josh to get stuff for me- if I want it that bad, I can get it.
5. Last, but not least, find a way through the laziness... Now that Josh has the same shift, it is extra hard to get up and work out instead of staying in bed snuggled and cozy- I just have to do it, no "buts" about it.

This should work...

... we'll see.

p.s.

This is my third day home from work.

Feeling: Frustrated

calling in

2008-03-04T02:36:00.000-08:00

I called into work today- I almost never do. It's usually a bad sign, the first of many before I quit. I am really hoping that I do not put myself in a position where i can't come back to this place, because, while it is true that I hate my customers, the job itself is not bad and the pay is not exactly great, but far from crappy. So yeah, maybe I need a leave of absence or a vacation or something. It will be good to see my family and travel, if only to WI for a few days...
... but that's not until the very end of April, first few days of May. That seems like an eternity away.

I think I could probably be hired where Josh is working. It might only be until I am ready to come back to this old place, or I might like it more. It would be cool if there was not pay cut, and their 401k stuff was easier, and if their tuition assistance was easier to, and maybe bonuses that are worth a damn, and fair raises???? Why is it unrealistic to have these expectations of employers. I mean I am the one at the bottom of the ladder, I deal with the ugliest people, the worst issues, the pissed off (rightfully so sometimes), the retarded math, the poor logic skills, the grammatically challenged, the cheapest motherfuckers on Earth, and the people who cannot begin to fathom or understand the porn charge on their bill when they have a 15 year old son- I take very little from the company, and have simple requests, and I make your money a lot of money- like A LOT. So why oh why is it so hard to give me some credit and provide me with the small satisfaction these reasonable requests may very well bring, not only to me, but to all entry level monkeys who try their best everyday?

I just don't understand. I really thought that with a lot of hardwork and self-motivation I would be rewarded. I really wanted to give this place ab honest shot, the powers that be just make every process so difficult, and rely entirely too much on their party information without researching what makes their employees happy. It is sad to see how little consideration has been given to employee success and happiness at my company. It is also a lot more than ridiculous to see how poorly set up the entire infrastructure is. For starters, everything is done completely locally, and then those decisions have to be applied, sometimes only per region- which makes the billing system a very huge mess. It is not an easy program to learn or navigate through, and there is never any useful information about it on any of our intra-web sources. So from the most basic part of a service company, this place is fucked.

It is not only a fact proven over and over in history- both pre- and post- industrialization humans, knew that standardization save a great deal of time and money. You can be standardized without being boring. I think that it is actually much harder to be creative within a structure, and to have no limitations at all. While one is an ideal setting, one in which there is full creative control of every detail without restraints. While the other is more practical and realistic. There is always going to be limits on resources, whether that is a limited amount of times, space, material, funds, or all of the above, all projects must be completed within realistic limits.

The fact that the company has thrived as much as it has is contrary to everything I understand and previously precieved as fact about business. It is not about how hard you work or how well you do it- it is simply who you know, and how they know you. I have seen so many people shit on at my office, the worst being that management sets it all up. we're just pawns to them. Whole thing is rotten.

I just don't understand.

Feeling: Cynical

Whining

2008-03-03T11:00:00.000-08:00

Sorry, but I need to whine some. I can't work out because I am in so much pain. I have taken 4 Advil, and now just have to wait- but it sucks. On top of that, I could really use my heating pad to make this at least tolerable, but no, Mischa had to go and fucking chew it up. I really hate my fucking period so much.

Feeling: Crampy

p.s.

Russel out smoked us all... and could have kept going. Scary.

Feeling Good

2008-02-28T09:59:00.000-08:00

I did not work out yesterday but its ok Josh was home and we had a really good talk, and wrote up a new budget. I have been listening to MSI pretty much on repeat for three days. I am retarded about music like that >.< Oh well.

I had been thinking that Ashley was ditching me, but she came over and hung out (and we smoked). It was such thick shit! And I had not smoked in 2 or 3 days – so it hit me kinda hard. It was fun. Tonight Russell I guess is coming over or hanging out or something- She did want to see him after all. Hopefully they work out. (I like playing match maker.)

I have managed to stay within my points really well this week, and not “over work” on Monday. So my pace for this week has been pretty good.

Now I gotta pound this Red Bull and work out.

Feeling: Productive

Trying to get energized

2008-02-26T10:20:00.000-08:00

Over sleeping sucks, but ...

new icons...

Click for a laught ~~> HA HA HA!

Feeling energetic!

p.s.

Thank you Red Bull and MSI!

Multitasker

2008-02-25T08:42:00.001-08:00

Ok, so it is Monday and I have got a lot planned out for this week. Russel said he wanted to / could hang out on Thursday- I wonder if Ashley wants to meet him any more, and if I can get hours off that day. We'll see. Turbo Jam is on the schedule 4, maybe even 5 times this week, but I am not worried about it. I am not weighing in today, but I am on Friday - I think that I weigh the least on Fridays anyway.

Anyway... right now I am

wrting this
eating breakfast
doing laundry
copying a DVD
listening to Tool

... and don't have anything interesting to write. I have spent the last 30 minutes trying to eat some oatmeal, but it is a flavor I don't really like, and my tummy has hurt for the last 4 days- doing that weird burp thing and being all bloated. It sucks. It has been causing me to lose a lot of sleep too- I hate being tired espcially in pain. The weed is gone for the reals, I cleaned out all the resin last night. I think that's ok though, I did not want to smoke any more anyway.

Productive but bitchy

EDIT:

11:49am

Did TurboJam. Found .iso recorder for desktop.

p.s.

Yes, I do like this song. Bite me.

At least...

2008-02-22T12:27:00.000-08:00

... it's Friday, and we both got paid. Of yesterday's "Reasons for Yay,"

- We did not go bowling.
- Russel never even called, and that made Ashley sad.
- 40% of my bonus went to Taxes.
- TurboJam will be started on Monday.
- I went WAY over my points yesterday.
- I have decided not to pay for server space.
- My car needs:
a new windshield
the driver-side door to be fixed
the light switch to be fixed
an oil change
a good washing and vacuuming
- And to top it all off, I have a zit.

So not Awesome.

I did upload emos to use on this journal.

Crabby:

Yay!

2008-02-21T10:31:00.000-08:00

Reasons for Yay!

♥ I only have to work until 7pm!
♥ I think we are going bowling!
♥ I got a bonus yesterday!
♥ My TurboJam arrived today!
♥ My hair feels super soft!
♥ Book shopping will happen over the weekend!
♥ Tomorrow is Friday!

Life is good!

New ticker

2008-02-20T10:25:00.000-08:00

Margaret Cho and A Perfect Circle

Makes me want to watch...

Things on the brain

2008-02-19T10:24:00.000-08:00

"Your weight range is 109 to 125 pounds."
For the reals?

Now that the Girl Scout cookies are gone I can get back on track. If you did not know, you can order Cookies online. Mmmmeet the Cookies!

How do you go:
- high fiber
- low carb
- healthy protien
- ovo-lacto vegetarian?
no, went veggie before. I like deli turkey and all chicken too much! I already don't eat beef or pork, that's enough restrictions.

Vegetarian search on WW (looks yummy)
- veggie sandwiches
- morningstar ready-mades
- vegetarian chili
- artichoke quiche

How many calories are burned by
- DDR?
- Elliptical training?
- Tread mill?
- TurboJam?
- Sitting around?

Which is better? And How much do I really want to pay?
- tsuki-yomi.net
- tsuki-yomi.com
- tsuki-yomi.org
- tsuki-yomi.info
- tsuki-yomi.biz
- tsuki-yomi.us

What is up with tiny white girls dancing like they are in rap videos? This shit is all over YouTube.

Funny!!!

Well, I have been distracted! Later kids.

Lobster!!!

2008-02-18T23:05:00.000-08:00

When did I last write? I think I’ll start saving copies of my entries…

So anyway…

Yesterday I went to class, a bit late, but I managed to get there nonetheless, which is better than not at all. Thursdays are my earliest days, and my longest too. Sometimes I lose the battle in the morning, because it is nothing short of a daily war against temptation… the comfy warmth of my bed offering to extent itself into the early hours of the afternoon. I know better than to stay…

I hadn’t seen Rachel in a lil while so I called her up to see if she wanted to hang out. She did, so I swung by her place and picked her up. All we were really going to do is scoot to my house to clean… the entire place. My mom had a realtor coming to look at the place and give her an estimate. It kinda sucks that she’s selling the house right now because it’s really a buyers’ market and we are going to get a lot less the place is worth. Too bad, but really, not my problem. Why did we get such a huge fucking place anyway?

Rachel invited Kristy over to the house as well and we ate pizza and cleaned. Kristy left before the realtor got here, and Rachel and I didn’t stick around a whole lot later either. We were both tired, and I wanted to see Kat before I passed out.

After I dropped Rachel back at her apartment, I went to coffee with Kat. After a lil while we decided to try and entertain ourselves. We tried the Deadbeat club, but it turned out to be 21+. The Church had Felix da HouseKat, but I hate is shit, and it was $20. Dream was far. Vinyl was also $20 and hiphop. So… we ended up riding over to the sex shop! Yay! Fun times. We had ourselves a few laughs and I got a *toy*… Then we called it a night…

Today I hung out with my mom and lil bros… fun times… huh? We went to Best Buy to get a new phone; our old one was a real piece of shit. While we were there I managed to beg for a Deep Dish CD. Went to Christy Sports to get my lil bros new snowboarding gear. While there Ryan lets me know that although he sort of likes his valentines present, it’s really just impersonal. Ugh. I’m really not romantic, and v-day is always hard for me. So saying that really ticked me off.

Then we dropped the boys off at Tae Kwon Do. On the way my mom told the three of us how we were all spoiled and pretty much worthless. Yeah, so that was fucking beautiful. I called her on it and she went off on me. As always, I was wrong and she was right. How dare I complain for having my mother call her own children spoiled?

Whatever… we ran a few errands, got the boys donuts, and made our way down to Laser Quest. That was actually cool. We played a game of laser tag with a bunch of strangers. Charlie came in second and I came in sixth out of 24. Not too shabby.

Went to Red Lobster for dinner… mmmmmmm… I love lobster. I filled my belly nice’n’full! On the way home Charlie was being absolutely pessimistic and irritating, and I kinda lost it. I asked him why he had to always be such a miserable old bastard about everything… now my mom is super pissed… isn’t that lovely? What a way to end the day… oh well…

Monday

2008-02-18T11:34:00.000-08:00

It's Monday and that means several things:

Weigh in.

WAY TO GO! You've just lost another 5 pounds. Keep up the awesome work! Here's a special tip from another dieter that we thought you might enjoy:

"Instead of giving in to cravings, binges and unplanned eating, I ask myself, 'Do I want it?' No I don't. 'Will I eat it?' No I won't."
— Yvonne

We hope you have a great week.

I would have been much happier if I had weighed in 5 lbs lighter than this... but they say slow loss makes it last longer. I have the next 4 days to work out and eat healthy, then the weekend battle (which I lost this weekend) starts again.

Back to the office.

As much as I like working, earning money, and feeling useful- I hate stupid people, and so, I hate most of my job. It is a comical kind of sad way, but still. I never really look forward to going in on a Monday.

Structure.

While the weekend lacks schedules and places I need to be, the week is full of timed activity. I really need to learn a way to carry over scheduling from the week into the weekend. Part-time job? Just something I can do one day a week- nothing major.

Randomness.

I spent a large chunk of my weekend learning about .iso to .dvd conversions, and I still don't have a good program to do it. Why is this so hard to find? Anyway, I won't be able to make decent DVD copies without a decent program, and all the ones I have tried thus far create .mp4 and .avi clips, which is terribly annoying; or data only discs which just are not any good in your average DVD. I would just like a good converter so that if someone did want to burn a DVD they could on a Mac or a XP or Vista PC as well as Linux. Is this really so ambitious? Ugh. It's super lame that it has turned out to be so hard.

In other OS news, if this DVD thing works out, I am totally going for the full wireless firmware update. I have the chipset info as well a pretty decent idea of where to get safe updates. I am a little scre that I may end up with a dead pc >.< but I have to learn to do this.

Lastly, I think it would be better for me to not jump into an ISA or programming major at the UCD and go back to ACC for my core math and science classes. It will save me time and money. I think it will be easier to get a tutor there too. Also, I really need to take Japanese and my mom was friends with the teacher at ACC.

Too Cute!

More reasons to go to Japan!

Tare Panda
San-X
rirakkuma

Along the way I found these to make ♥ New Emos! ♥

And I think I have decided to just pay for server space and write my own page... who knows. Evil 1 vs. Evil 2.

umm, I think that's all.

Boring...

2008-02-15T23:03:00.000-08:00

So ethics and public puking yesterday...
... and a major bio exam with A LOT of snow today...

The lowest grade I could possibly get on the test was a 73 because I got all but 2 of the multiple choice. I helped him run them through the scan-tron reader. Only one person did better than me. Kid's name in Thai Chii, and he's friggin strange!!! So even if I bit-it-bad on the rest of the test, that's the worst I could have done. Not too shabby. The points were all spread out like crazy. It wasn't that hard of a test, but some folks def. BOMBED! The girl that sits across from me literally said, "Fuck this," and left. At one point I talked myself out of a right answer, but Rich said he's read my essay to see if I knew it or not for sure... and maybe forgive it since it was the first test of the semester... an di kiss his ass.

I don't understand struggling at school. I've known plenty of kids who were fairly bright and sucked at school... why? This baffles me... oh well.

It had started to snow when I got downtown, and it got fairly bad during class. On the way home it was really bad, and now there's like 4 inches of snow on the ground. Damned CO weather is just as bipolar as I am! Anyway...

The house is going to be put openly on the market next monday. Crazy stuff. I guess Kurt wasn't all that secure in his Luther job after all. Speaking of jobs I still need to find one... and an apartment, and a roommate or two, and a kitty or a shar pei! I'd go nuts if i got a shar pei! It would be so awesome! And Ryan even said we could get one... yay!

Anyway... I'm going to let Ranger out for a bit, and start on my new ethics chapter!

Later
Latez
Latex?

Oh Rats!

2008-02-15T13:32:00.000-08:00

My Turbo Jam order is going to be delayed! Tey are out of stock of the weighted gloves that come with the DVDs. Ugh! I will just have to keep doing my usual and fairly boring work out until further notice!

♥ Wamu - take money
♥ Wellsfargo - deposit money
♥ Wallgreens - Leg stuff
♥ Neiman Marcus - Mac stuff

Edit: 2:21pm

Well Josh took care of the bank stuff and visited me on his lunch break! You know yuo are doing something right in your marriage when your hubby comes home to see you on breaks... and you get quickies too!!!

And while I did not get to go to Neiman Marcus, it will still be there tomorrow. PLUS! I got a Marilyn Monroe bag from Ashley!

Yay! Oh Happy Day!

Garbage

2008-02-13T12:42:00.001-08:00

I am not inclined to start fights, but I won’t let myself take a beating either.

I think it is SO funny that some people assume that I only write about them, because I don’t usually write personalized entries. This one is an exception, Rachel and Kat, this one is just for you. Feeling special all over yet? First, the entries written on January 24th and February 6th were not about you or to you, but since you have brought them up, let’s review.

Kat:

Thanks for inadvertedly admitting that you are in fact, a slut (and on the internet). This was just a general entry about what is on the internet, but since you took it to heart and assumed it was about you, it really shows what you think of yourself. I am still laughing. Projecting much? Creepy much?

Your comment:

She attacks everyone... the funny thing is if you listen to her speak, and watch her behaviors, she makes all of the same mistakes that she purportedly won't tolerate, often to a larger extent than those that she judges.

Caro's thoughts: You copied my entry into here

Caro's action:
1) screwing multiple guys in the same week while dating someone else...
2) playing with her breasts in public.... i don't know... but it looks like she is more of a slut than she'll admit.

I never thought i'd say this, but i've come to the conclusion that it's a good that she can't reproduce. Imagine little Caro's running around. She'd screw them up by age 3.

She probably made the "I know where you live" comment when she was having another break with reality...

If she shows up... bring her back to reality with a swift kick in the ass.

I never claimed not to have had loose morals in the past, I never said that I did not fool around A LONG TIME AGO, and you do not fill the entire internet with your sluttiness. Are you trying to? How fucking out of control has your ego gotten? I need a swift kick to bring me back to reality? What the fuck do you need to get you back to Earth? The best part is that you don’t even like yourself. You go through major drops in mood and stability more frequently than I do, and that should tell you something. When did you have a successful relationship? Never in the time I knew you. I attack everyone? Is that why I have more friends than enemies? Is that why I gave you everything from rides all over to bedding? You are fucking laughable. By the way in case you get confused, this is not an attack, it’s defense, you could not just be as big a person as I am and leave me alone. Oh my! But it is you who is bigger than me, right? When did I bug you after our parting? Oh yeah, never. What are "these mistakes that I purportedly won't tolerate" but always make? Ditching you? You were the one that terminated our friendship first. And telling some one you are going to give them something, say programs, and then never giving them anything does not count as a gift. Are you retarded? That's called trying to keep a sucker around for using her some more with temptation of a gift you NEVER planned on giving me. Forgive me for seeing through it.

Why the hell did you, Kat, even comment on BS between me an Rachel anyway? Just feeling like getting some attention? Ha ha ha!

What happened to that letter you wrote me telling me how you had no “ill wishes” for me? Oh yeah, like everything else from you- it was a load of shit.

… and my reply:

That's funny... you two are so grown up. I am glad you share your hate of me.

And when were these offenses of mine?
Because playing with your own boobs in a sexual manner at a club it something that you have never done? Rubbing your crotch on some guy on a dance floor is what, not sexual? Walking around on stage with nothing but tape you your tits is nun-like behavior? Oh please.

And what about your adventures in sex? Innocent? That's laughable, Ms. I nearly died at the house of the couple I was fucking...

I actually laughed when I read this.

You know, I have also left you alone since our falling out- yet, your such a better person than I am, that here you are talking shit, and there I was having not said ANYTHING about you for so long.

Way to go leading by example! You're so cool!

And what’s even funnier is Rachel’s comment….

*sigh*
i'm glad that someone else sees her for what she is.

it's funny, we were the only two females who really gave her a chance... we were the ones who saw what we thought were good qualities in her and tried...
and in the end, we are the ones who despise her most.

she can deny it all she wants, but when it comes down to it how will she justify the fact that the two of us, who have really not even talked enough to "conspire against her" could have such identical opinions of her?

hmmm...

and if she has the nerve to show up on my doorstep, I am more than prepared to rock her stuck-up little world.

Rachel:

Again, the entry was not about you, but since you brought it up, I did look you up. Maybe I should let that Tammy lady that pays your bills (since even now you can't take care of your own bills) know what you are using the internet for- being an annoying cunt. Again, keep your fucking ego in check, with three exceptions, including when I found out you played WoW and this one, I don’t write entries to you or about you. After you left an unwanted, unwarranted, and fucking annoying comment on here, I did read your LJ, but you apparently fucking stalk me, so I think that’s fair. And as far as, “identical opinions of her,” that's pretty fucking easy- you both don't like me, you'll agree on any shitty statement made about me. Duh. Read a fucking book some time. Try asking Kat for an honest answer of what she thinks of you, or anyone for that matter. You won’t get one. And since when am I stuck up? Is it because I wear jeans and a t-shirt everyday? Have friends from all over the spectrum? Admit to my previous mistakes? Or is it just because I think your scum and you can't stand it?

… and my reply:

I did not leave comments on your LJ until this. I have not tried to contact you in any way what so ever for an extremely long time. In fact, I am out of every scene that I can imagine you are even in. I had not even snoop your MySpace or LJ prior to you leaving a comment on mine. Your MySpace is private so it could not even matter. I don't care if Shane Anderson is in special forces or if you shit gold every morning. I left you respectfully alone despite the fact that you left me with a $2600 bill in damages from the apartment we shared.

I am not the one who avoided you. I tried messaging your sister, the Kitty friend of yours, and at least 1 other person on your friends list when you started to avoid me. You fucked me over and you know it. I accepted it, and moved on. I probably said things I should not have but I do not apologize since I am almost 100% sure that your would have treated our friendship just as poorly.

I find out that your playing WoW and you magically think its ok to comment on my LJ? It's fucking rude and childish - You're fucking rude and childish. I have left you alone, I did not fuck you over, and you ditched me (on top of that, you and Julie hit it off so well that she ditched me too). I am sure that you are quite proud of the whole thing, seeing as you seem to think I am the worse fucking person ever. I really don't give a shit what your deal is I tried to care at some point and you fucked me over the hardest anyone ever has that I can sincerely say I did not bring on to myself.

So leave me the hell alone because I really enjoyed the time I had without you and since you have all this shit to write, you must have enjoyed your time without me as well.

I just do not understand the need to meddle in my life after so long- I guess shitty people really just never do leave you alone completely. What’s really ironic, is that while I have left both of you alone, stepped outside of your “scenes,” not posted about you, not tried to contact you- just cut you off completely in every way I could, you have sought the time to really think about how much you hate me… but I am supposed to be the horrible person. Um hello. Like how? Was it when I paid for gas, drinks, rent, damage bills? Was it when I left you alone? Was it when I cut my losses and completely cut you off?

You are both childish and insane. You think I would mess a kid up? You think that I would show up anywhere? Do you really think that I would jeopardize anything at all just for either of you? HA HA HA, that’s rich! What is so complicated about this concept: You don’t like me; I don’t like you- so we leave each other the hell alone? If in being such a shit person, and insane, and I would be such a bad parent, and all the other bullshit you two have called me, if even with all that I get it, why can’t you? What the fuck is wrong with you two?

Do everyone a favor: GROW UP.

Later,
Caro

Note:

I know I make this journal mostly public and so, I invite (at least on some level) this kind of crappy behavior from people of smaller minds and much larger egos. It does provide some writing content though, and perspective. And a little giggle…

Turbo Jam

2008-02-12T12:40:00.000-08:00

I ordered Turbo Jam. I have never in my entire life ordered such a thing! I am excited about it, which I think is even stranger. I feel a little silly but Ashley swears by it and has lost a bunch of weight with it, and I am already working out... so I might as well give it a try.

Now what's left?

♥ Chi flat iron - Mischa chewed through my old one.
♥ Mac face wash - I NEED IT, that's it.
♥ New shoes - Because I can.
♥ Leg waxing stuff - Because I have to.

2008-02-11T12:40:00.000-08:00

I never realized how dependant I have become on the weekdays. Their pre-scheduled days make sticking to eveything much easier. Except, of course, waking up... because I love sleep.

The Fall

2008-02-10T12:39:00.000-08:00

So my shrink says that there is no escape from any level of discomfort- it's a rigged game that you lose before you've even played. Discomfort that is always temporarily tamed or quieted, does not produce permanent feelings of ease around the cause of the mental disturbance. The experience the mind has is to given in to discomfort, and the ego (self esteem) and personal willingness take a very bad hit.

The trick to accepting away discomfort is to work through it. Discomfort that is "given" into leads only to anxiety, because the mind does not have any practice in working through it. I both understand, and do not understand this. I understand because there are obvious experiences in my life where this is true; for example, I absolutely love interacting with certain chemicals, and yet, I never give in to them. This makes the practice of not "falling" much easier, and almost thoughtless. At the same time, the level of discomfort that not eating for a prolonged period of time can produce a surprising level of confidence and a feeling of control, although it is not control. The same type of acknowledgment without giving in is applied in many ways and works- trust the experience and not the mind. The mind is prepared for the fall, it compiles and analyzes events in ways in which it can trick you into confusing the experience with the feeling. The thought you have at the time something is occurring is not, in many cases, the event you are experiencing. Because of this reflection can in fact cause more confusion rather than deep clarification.

With the knowledge of not trusting your thoughts and memories, as they will be laid out in ways that cannot be fully accepted as factual, you really cannot focus on the why of events. The what can only be recalled, not relived, and therefore is of little importance. The only purpose what provides is confusion when compared to the what someone else may have experienced. The who is always the same, while layers of the personality are in constant flux, the Observer remains the same. Where and when only in how poorly the details of the event can be remembered. Because of these complications of memories the causes of events, the how, regardless of their effects, can be considered unimportant.

The fundamentally important part of any event is the effect, outcome, and personal response- which is not to be confused with personal reaction. Any event ending in reaction rather than response, can be considered "giving in" or falling. Reactions, are by etymology and practice, thoughtless, their outcomes are unimportant since they were produced purely in action. Because reactions lack a thought process leading to them their effects cannot be analyzed and the mind categorizes them in the same way as the initializing event- another worthless memory to cause further confusion. However, responses involve a thought process, and much like in nature, responses to environmental and circumstantial stimuli can cause a creature to evolve. That should be the goal of a thinking person, to evolve their mind. At any point it is possible for a person to choose to respond and not react.

This involves working through, and not falling or dodging, discomfort.

And it's fucking hard.

Friday

2008-02-08T12:39:00.000-08:00

It is finally Friday... this week has gone by surprisingly slow. Last night Ashley and I decided that we'd stop smoking on Saturday - until we each reach our goal weight. We both chose 110 since we're the same hight and what not. I did not work out today, but I did 3 times this week, and plan to at least 1 time over the weekend. I have kept right on track with points though, so I have been moving down the scale all week. It's really rather nice.

Josh has done an awesome job of eating healthier and not smoking too. I'm really proud of him and tomorrow night we're having a date. It's funny how when you're married you still make time for "dates" or romantic nights out.

Anyway, I am off to Pier 1 and then DSW. mmm mmm shoes!

Starbucks Caramel Macchiato = 5pts

Busy Bee

2008-02-07T12:38:00.000-08:00

♥ make *healthy* breakfast
♥ track points
♥ yoga!
♥ cardio
♥ abs
♥ LJ/email/check accounts
♥ washing away workout stench
♥ lunch with ashley
♥ therapy
♥ work
♥ nuggles
♥ sleep

ready, set, GO!

howdy

2008-02-06T12:38:00.000-08:00

i thought i might have something to say... but i didn't.

ashley is on her way over... and here i thought once courtney was back i would be discarded. josh and i are going to try and hook her up with russel. i hope that works out.

oh and because i never:

I there creepsters, lurkers, and all those who know they hate me but feel the need to read this! Are you having fun reading about me? I don't really care, but it sure is one hell of an ego boost to know that you have to find time to read about me. thanks!

p.s.

I know where you live. No joke.

Happy Track

2008-02-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

2008 is the Year of the Rat

That's me! February 7, 2008 is Chinese New Year. And a little about elements...

Year Zero icons

2008-01-31T12:36:00.000-08:00

Because it was too cold to work out... i made these instead:

And I changed the video too!

p.s.

I will be watching Children of Men again very soon.

huh? I am not sure what to think but I can't say I don't like this...

Of Love and Insanity

2008-01-29T12:36:00.000-08:00

Here I am smoking and flying to Grom gol... yes, that's a place in WoW... I have had an Ambien too... so I am quite leaned over while I type this out. The amazing observation today is that love is in fact the most crazy of any othe emotion do to 3 majar factors. 1. love fails logically to explain the person "you" and so the other can also not be explained by logic either. So you are two unidentified persons - doing all thethings that unidentified people do. Living, working, building houses, going to big schools, running into the unexpected....

...The answer follows this question, "what should we do about this?"

applied befor edittrd work on

[ EDIT th-Jan-2008 1:08 pm ]

I guess I fell asleep while typing that... oh well. I will have to continue it later tonight.

because i love sleep

2008-01-27T12:35:00.000-08:00

Same place, diff night

The flash woke Mischa up

Pose!

But most AMAZING:

it's done!

List

2008-01-25T12:34:00.000-08:00

Things to do this weekend:

1. work out at least 1 day
2. go through all the mail
3. work on recent poem
4. transfer entries from previous LJs over
5. back up entries
6. pick a server
7. play some W.o.W
8. may be make a few more layouts

no shortage

2008-01-24T15:15:00.000-08:00

In case this is your first day on the internet, or you have been living in a cave, an unfathomable hole, or some other kind of isolation - there is no shortage of sluts on the internet. What really cracks me up, is that there are girls who may not be sluts, who actually try to look like sluts on the internet. I just find it interesting because if I posted some huge comment saying "You're a Slut" on their page, be it MySpace, LiveJournal, Blogspot, NetLog, YouTube, etc... they would all be offended. Even if they tried to play it cool, deep down they would be hurt. I don't understand it though, because they are trying to seel their sexual attributes. They are showing cleavage and skanky photos, and in some extreme cases are selling their bodies - a la porn. I have said before, and still believe it, porn is prostitution.

So yeah... the internet is for porn and full of sluts. This is today's amazing observation.

Mean and Green

2008-01-23T11:15:00.000-08:00

2008 has gotten off to a late start, or I should say, I have had a slow start to the new year…

Anyway, today was really the beginning, kind of. I worked out, made a meal plan, and because I never do, I used a mask. In fact, I am writing this while waiting for it to dry. On that note check out all my green glory:

Pretty nifty huh? What girls won’t do to look pretty! So yeah, there will be graphical details of progress in other areas, but this photo is probably all you'll ever see of me “pampering” myself – its rare and often a pain in the ass.

I was just killing some time… not that I have much to spare.

Hey Jude

2008-01-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

The new layout is a call to spring. You best get here before I beat the snot out of you! That being said, I am finding it hard to believe in global warming. The arctic circle seems to have grown into our yard. Where is all this shrinking?!?! I know, it's actually happening and it's just a crappy winter.

Bear started his new job today... we had quite the final weekend, some what celebratory and a little crazy. I t had been a while since we had just stayed up that late. It was fun, and I was happy to host and watch everyone get along. It was a good way to get ready for the horrible cold outside and the upcoming work week. Ginny and Ashley met and seemed to get along, and Elisha turned out to be ok too. For someone so "cut throat" I sure seem to be giving a lot of chances. Oh wait, I always have given people a chance... just not like a bunch.

Anyway, Ashley and I went to sushi and 27 Dresses. It was really funny, and a total chick-flick. I needed a good girls night out, and it was perfect. She is funny, and smart, and totally the oposite of the girl friends I have tried to have in the past. It's nice to have some normal ladies in my life, and not - well other people.

So Josh would not feel left out, and to get our of "girl mode," we came home and baked cookies for all of us and then watched Mr. Woodcock. It's funny as hell.

And I will leave you with this little W.o.W. note :

Wave

2008-01-18T11:13:00.000-08:00

I have done a bad job updating recently, but really how many people read this? Anyway. I have been in the craziest moods recently, been listening to SO much music - it's awesome. Music has not made me feel this good in a long time. Really listen to Oscar Peterson some time.

So I am putting this in a public entry despite the fact that some one may run into it, but if things so bad from it, then they really are as childish as they seem to be. That being said, there are some new people on the floor, and I don't really like them. Was I as ill prepared when i came on the floor? It must have been awful. I just feel like half the day I am training them. Among these new members is this kid who is just "picky" (self admitted), pushy, needy, and generally obnoxious. This kid can't keep his mouth shut, and never has anything I want to hear. Not to mention his credibility went out the window the last time we were at the bar. He expected us to drive him to work, he made Josh drive his wife from the apartment to the bar even though we had never met her, he makes me come to his desk for help instead of following directions over an IM, he bullshits customers, and he shows off - which usually ends in a good laugh about how much of an incredible ass he is. (What an amazing run-on!) What's even worse is that there is not anyone at the office who can stand him, I almost feel sorry for him, and then I remember he acts like he does.

The other wonderful addition is this woman who has a sieve for a brain. I think I have answered the same question over and over for the last 3 days. Today Sylvia let me know that while I was gone, she did not ask anyone else for help. I think it's because she is trying to sabotage me because she secretly hates me. She is dating that guy that told me to "come over and make him feel better," and I was so utterly offended and Josh was ready to beat him up. The whole thing is driving me nuts.

I need some sleep.

Do yourself a favor, go to Pandora and make a station called "girl from ipanema," like the song. You're Welcome.

computer joy

2008-01-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

Guess who is running Linux? I am!
Fuck you Vista.

continuing

2007-12-31T11:11:00.000-08:00

Anyway, I did not really care that she played - it was just crappy. It seems that the more you try to avoid and forget a person the more they are a thorn in your side. The part of my comment that really fucking reminded me of how crazy nd ridiculous Rachel is.

made me laugh that the idea of me still irks you so much, when you are the one that chose to shit on our relationship when things got hard- instead of being the uber-awesome-can-do-no-harm friend you always claimed to be.

I was messaging her best friend, her sister, calling her on her cell phone, messaging her myspace, trying to email her, and finally, after months of being avoided I gave up. If that is what "shitting" on a relationship is like for Rachel, the I guess I could have never made it work. I tried though, and in the end it was my money that paid the apartment damages, and it was me who tried to call for months, and it was me who reached out to other people while she avoided me, and it was me who sat with her and cried on the days that were hard, on the days that her fucking retarded ex would tear her to shreds, and it was me who ALWAYS said she looked great, and and and...

and I find myself listing off yet again what I did for some one only to be used.

Maybe it is these types of people who make others "cut-throat" and quick about cutting more/other people off. I am glad that she "creeps" this journal. I guess she must be even more clingy than I am, congrats, you should ger professional help. I am glad she got a "laugh" out of my displeasure, it is just like her to say something like that. I am glad that she felt "bigger and better" for being an annoying, ungrateful bitch. I am glad I have known people as low as Rachel - it was/is a learning experience. And I am glad that she is out of my life. If she feels like making a splash to further her own anger, spite, enjoyment, whatever - that's up to her. Just as my responses to such unwanted intrusions are also my own.

I don't have any bad wishes for Rachel, but if she happens to die tomorrow, who am I to say the world wouldn't be better off.

I usually don't have this problem

2007-12-29T11:10:00.000-08:00

I usually do a nice enough job of making things my fault. Like I say the one thing I shouldn't or find out what would hurt a person the most or whatever. Complete the task, and then the person is not only out of my life, but they want me to stay out of theirs too. It really does provide a lot of closure and a lot of reasons to just kill any relationship.

When I was younger I would do this, and then realize I was not really ready to be rid of the person. So it made for some very tough times. But I have come to realize that I need to follow my instincts. This can be "cut throat" or too fast. I really have had little longterm regrets with this policy.

There have only been 2 people that I really never wanted to hear from again. They just were such disappointments as people that I just could not stand it. Not only did I not like them any longer, but I was foolish in thinking that they would ever do anything worthwhile for me. Halorin and Rachel. Hal is an old, old story and really it was much better that we not be friends.

Rachel just straight used me. I lived with her, had all the bill sin my name, I would pay them (not always on time) and she wold give me half all while arguing and making me wait nd beg. It was really quite embarassing - but I had faith in her. Anyway, fast forward to the end of out friendship - we're moving out of the apartment and I provide a photocopy of the damage bill, $2600, and the final bills. By hounding her for weeks at work, because she stopped answering my calls as soon as she moved out, I finally get half the bill money... but not a dime towards the damage bill.

I tried calling her for months, eventually I was so pissed, hurt, and generally feeling like shit, that I coughed up the money for the old place. I figured that while I could not get any of this back I would at least salvage what little credit I had/have. This was also the only way my husband and I could move into a new place. They don't let people who owe major damages to another complex rent in a new place.

So, I would have died a happier person to have never found out that Rachel was still on the same planet... Anyway, I was watching a WoW comm here, and there I see this one name that looks SO familiar. I click it and as soon as it loads, I am like damn. Oh well. So I am like, Ok this sucks. I make a post and then of course... She replies.

to be cont...

can't recall

2007-12-24T16:26:00.000-08:00

I can't remember when it was - the last Christmas I was not depressed. Here I am noticing that for the first time since then, I am content around the holiday season. Despite shopping myself into some debt, and not being able to be with my entire family, I will be around people I love, and who love me. Most importantly, this will be my first Christmas being married. While Josh and I have been arguing about petty shit recently, we have been talking through our arguements. Marital (sp?) growing pains. I makes me really happy... all of it. Coming out on top of a fight, feeling good despite a crappy day, giving what I can even if it is not very much.

Anyway, Merry Chistmas.

Love,
The Grinch

p.s.

Everybody love quizes

Addictive content in my personality is 91%

Beware!!! people easily get addicted to me

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no longer

2007-12-23T16:25:00.000-08:00

Last week I “terminated” my friendship with Kat. Not because I don’t like her as a person, but I am not sure I do anyway, but because she has a major personality flaw. I wanted to explain, but I really don’t want to have to deal with her at all. So here are my reasons:

1. Needy – by this I don’t mean you needed a shoulder to cry on, and I being the bitch that I am did not want to be said shoulder. I mean, that this is the nicest way I could think of to say “attention whore.” You went from being heavy and considerate, to skinny, and well, an attention whore. Just because you have tape over your nipples does not mean that you’re not topless. While not exposing the nipple makes it PG13, the needle play (which with the crowd your with could give you AIDS) makes it X anyway. Couldn’t just stay in the R rated area. You used to fully consider the situations you were in, not just throw yourself into them, and placing tape over your nipples does not count as full consideration, sorry.

2. Shallow - I have out grown going to clubs often, so unless some one amazing is spinning, I really don’t care to drink with a bunch of people who care THAT much about their exterior presence. I have other things on my mind, and really only 1 thing I care about at a club – am I dancing my ass off? You can’t really do that at a Goth club, or club night. That is more of a who-spent-more time-and-money-to-look-this-way setting, too shallow for me. I also do not think that just because you can spend a fortune on your looks, you should. That’s just a personal opinion. I don’t even wear make up most days, and I STILL get hit on when I go out.

3. Using – Begging to use my computer on the same day that I am getting massive tattoo work done, then showing up only to check your email and MySpace, um, yeah. Always getting a ride, and only paying for gas 1 time, ouch, you never even offered before that time either. Expecting yourself to be placed before my husband on my priorities list is totally out of the question. And last but not least, never asking me once, out of all the times we hung out, what I wanted to do. Granted there were a few times that I showed up with plans in hand (like 2), but otherwise it was always about what you wanted to do.

So these are my top 3 reasons, which really culminate to one major personality flaw: selfishness. I am sorry to be the one, but the world does not revolve around you. The people in the street are not out to get you any more than they are out to get any one else. And stop to think about this, “If everyone is out to get you, you might be an asshole.” But even that, the thought that everyone you run into is either out to get you, or in love with you right away, these imagine extreme reactions are part of the oversized ego you have suddenly inflated yourself with. I remember when you were different, but that was before. Now that I think about it, the way you just dropped me back then may have just been indicative that you were this way all along, I don’t know. I don’t really care.

I would have called last Sunday, but my phone was not in my possession. And even if it had been, I would have cancelled, because Josh took the day of from work, and we no longer have the same days off, so seeing him was of the utmost importance to me. I realized when I got my phone back and read your message, “nice of you to respond,” that you had not stopped, even for an instant to think outside of yourself about what had happened for me not to be able to reply. I was going to call and apologize and explain, and, and, and… and then I realized I did not really want to be friends with you any longer. I really thought it through too, not one of those sporadic, compulsive decisions. You are very interesting, a great artist, and a brilliant thinker- it’s just that I am nice to my friends, and I can’t befriend selfish people because then I get used horribly (like what happened between us, and between myself and Rachel, as 2 examples).

Anyway, this type of conversation would not have gotten anywhere productive, as I tried to talk to about this before, and your reply was, “I will be at the club, and if I see you, will say hello.” You seem to have everything you need and want without me in your life anyway, so I am sure you won’t miss me or anything like that.

Darn

2007-12-19T16:24:00.000-08:00

It is a little sad and rather hard to admit that you tried for something you may not have wanted in the first place. *sigh* Will edit with the details later...

EDIT: view 12/23/07 for details

Little Things

2007-12-12T16:20:00.000-08:00

So I think I made have friends with Ginny! That's super neat because I really need more female friends. I have spent my whole life relating to, and hanging out with boys. I don't always want to be like that though, and i can talk to women/girls about stuff that guys could never relate to... like ever.

Little Things

Ginny [8:16 PM]:
Hey I meant to tell you I had so much fun on Friday night and the 4 of us should definitely do that again soon.

Me [8:17 PM]:

oh good.

Me [8:17 PM]:

josh actually had a really fun time too!!

Ginny [8:18 PM]:

Good!! So did Mike.

Me [8:19 PM]:

maybe we can get them to have beers and watch footbal and let us go shopping!

Ginny [8:19 PM]:

Haha definitely!!!!!

Ginny [8:20 PM]:

I don't know what your plans are this weekend, but we are supposed to be going out with a few of our friends on either Friday or Saturday night, not sure which yet. But it would be great if you both wanted to come and I can let you know exactly which night a little later in the week.

Me [8:20 PM]:

sure that sounds great

Ginny [11:03 PM]:

Are you ok?

Me [11:04 PM]:

no

Ginny [11:04 PM]:

I'm sorry. Can I help at all?

Me [11:04 PM]:

nah. i will be ok.

Me [11:05 PM]:

i just have anxiety issues... so its hard for me sometimes.

Me [11:05 PM]:

i really appreciate it thou

Ginny [11:06 PM]:

I understand. Well let me know if you ever need anything. We can take a break together and you can vent.

Me [11:06 PM]:

ok. i will take you up on that some time.

People are often unreasonable,
illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Mother Teresa
1910-1997

Worst Customer of the Year Award goes to...

2007-12-11T16:18:00.000-08:00

I don't understnad why people are like this. I have tried to figure it out; speant hours and hours thinking about how frustrated I would have to be to treat some one this poorly. I flipped out at a night club a few months back, but I had been thrown out for having an asthma attack. Maybe that's the same and I am just a hypocrite.

There is "audult" language below...

Customer > I just want to reset my password; I've never used my company email address before and this is frustrating to me.
thanks

Rep> Hello Aaron_, Thank you for contacting Company Live Chat Support. My name is Rep. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Rep> I will be happy to assist you with your email address.

C_ > oh awesome thanks

Rep> You're welcome.

C_ > I need to set my password for aaron*****@company.net

Rep> May I have the account PIN please ?

C_ > I don't have the account PIN

C_ > I don't know what this account PIN stuff you're talking about is

Rep> I am sorry but I cannot reset a password without the account PIN. The PIN was mailed to you. Do you have any unopened mail from Company?

C_ > I've never seen it in the mail; I just became a member like 5-6 weeks ago

C_ > NO

C_ > I am not happy with that answer

C_ > the lady on the phone told me that I could go here to reset my password

C_ > I've been trying to do this for over an hour now

C_ > do not tell me that you cannot do it asshole

C_ > give me your manager

Rep> Yes, but an account PIN is needed.

C_ > NOW

C_ > NOW

C_ > NOW NOW NOW

C_ > give me your manager asshole

Rep > I have a floor lead, will that be acceptable ?

C_ > i've been waiting for a fucking hour

C_ > FUCK YOU ASSSHOLE

C_ > I HAE BEEN WAITING FOR AN HOUR ALREADY BITCH

Rep> I have a floor lead, will that be acceptable ?

C_ > BITCH ASS WHORE FUCK YOU NIGGER ASS LOSER

C_ > GIVE ME MY FUCKING PASSWORD

C_ > A FUCKING HOUR ALREADY

C_ > GET A FUCKING CLUE

C_ > GIVE ME MY PASSWORD

C_ > FUCK YOU GIVE ME MY PASSWORD

C_ > FUCK YOU GIOVE ME MY PASSWORD

C_ > RIGHT MOTHER FUCKING NOW WHORE

C_ > hey slut give me a password

C_ > hey hooker give me a password

Rep> I have a floor lead, will that be acceptable ?

C_ > SERIOUS

C_ > GIVE ME A FUCKING PASSWORD WHORE

C_ > I ASKED FOR A FUCKING PASSWORD

Rep> I have a floor lead, will that be acceptable ?

C_ > IS A FLOOR LEAD A PASSWORD

Rep> No.

C_ > DO YOU FUCKING SPEAK ENGLISH, WHORE?

C_ > MAY ALLAH SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE RAGHEAD

C_ > FUCK YOU

C_ > IS FLOOR LEAD A PASSWORD

C_ > GIVE ME MY PASSWORD SERIOUS WHO DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE?

C_ > GIVE ME MY PASSWORD RIGHT RIGHT NOW

C_ > YES GIVE ME YOUR FLOOR LEAD

Rep> Sure thing, just a moment please.

C_ > who do you think that you are?

C_ > give me my password

C_ > did it ever occur to you that you didn't send it out to brand new customers? I've been a customer for 5 weeks

C_ > I have not recieved this crap from you and if i did I threw it away

C_ > we pay our bill.. that's all your going to get out of me

C_ > I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE WITH THE AUTHORITY TO GIVE ME MY PASSWORD

C_ > do you think that it is _FAIR_ for you to make me wait an hour to get a password?

C_ > I would like to cancel my account please.. can I talk to someone about that?

Wow Ugh

2007-12-09T16:17:00.000-08:00

So yeah...

Today I found out that Rachel, of all people, is playing WoW. I knew that some stupid shit like this was going to interfere with my just enjoying the game. I should make my player note read, "If your name is Rachel IRL you need to die... or pay me $2600." Ugh. With any kind of luck she is not on any of the servers I play on...

This made me feel better a few hours later:

The not funny part is that this is for real: http://www.godhatesfags.com/
Wow, how very terrible.

drinking

2007-12-08T16:16:00.000-08:00

hello world...
i actually know that no one reads this fucking thing but whatever. If you're reading this, thanks... leave a comment, or not, whatever.

anyway, i am not supposed to drink and here i am a few drinks (very very very few) later but totally wasted. this rather inappropriate entry goes out to my youth which i seem to be slipping away from at an alarming rate. anyway...

after a few drinks i think the following:

* my mariage is amazing!
* my husband is amazing!
* sex is amazing!!!
* oh my god i need to go dancing.
* i am really glad i gave Ginny a chance.
* i really want to be friends with her... i hope she liked me!
* i am not as cold/hard of a bitch as i claim ... my soft, gooey, human-like insides bleed much the same as any other person.
* if you need to say "this as the cutest thing with me in mind," you're fucking sad... no shit it was with you in mind, and even if it was not... it's art, and does not need you in mind.

i can't quite think in complete thoughts... and my tummy hurts SO bad. again, i am not supposed to drink.

i will pay dearly for tonight, way to rock my weekend.

anyway...

peace
love
light

caro

p.s.

random thought:
while i meant to hurt some, i never meant to hurt tracy, for shame i did.

Horoscopes

2007-12-05T16:15:00.000-08:00

Today:

You are the center of the action today, baby! Get ready for a lot of attention -- put on a sharp outfit, polish up your attitude, and practice a few one-liners. Your charm quotient is high, and it will act like a web today, snaring some attractive and influential people as you move throughout your day. Suddenly, folks who've known you for ages are seeing you in a new light. And the folks who encounter you for the first time today are asking each other 'who is THAT?'

Tomorrow:

Your vision has been partly cloudy over the past few weeks, but today it is definitely going to clear up. Look for sunny skies -- thanks in part to the shocking news you hear early in the day. Like an ice cold shower in a sweltering hot day, this wake up call will refresh you, invigorate you, and prepare you for some hard work. Unusual people have unusual ideas, but that doesn't mean that they aren't ones you should adopt. You can see what you need to do today -- and in the coming weeks -- clearly.

Oh jeez! If only these things came true!

sketch

2007-12-01T16:14:00.000-08:00

work in progress

between these pillars of smoke
their whispers travel,
dashing between liquor moistened lips,
slipping into the ears of desire.

lies flavored tequila
and grins tasting like lust;
skin on skin
sin on sin
night covered
covert motions -
these attempts to not be
the single body beneath a
sheet covered bed.

dance, dance -
she moves her body across the floor
and into his head.

drink, drink -
he swallows courage whole from
wells and drafts

mingle, mingle -
they leave in pairs while
they came in single.

My Back Tattoo

2007-11-26T16:12:00.000-08:00

I have 1 or 2 more sittings...

edits

2007-11-24T16:09:00.000-08:00

Edit of November 9th, 2005

"Defeat"

My defeat,
my desire;
in you I am whole.

With eyes behind lids
I see the place within,
between your reality and
my insanity -
the fragile bridge
where the ghosts and shadows
cross.

These memories’ next of kin
escaping from my lips
into selectively deafened
ears - whining words of sin.

To the ship with you now,
though its sails are as flat
as the stinging steady line
on that wretched machine
keeping time with your heart.

Deader than stone you
sink to the bottom -
pulled down by the weight
of your guilt ridden bones.

Take this reckless abandon,
leave this place I called home.
Rot in your pit,
six foot deep hollowed out
of the ground you forsake
to leave behind this flesh.

In the dirt I see
where the rain will erase you,
the wind and the weather
will have the ground forget the steps
you tread -
I feel better incomplete,
Broken and alone.

Edit of October 17th, 2005

"Wed to Alone"

Her latest curse is this
metal flavored grin
She is wearing for the heavy
unforgiven trespasses against her -
the sins of some one else
smeared across her skin.

Today is the last day of the metallic taste
And after this at least some of it goes away
Leave the rest to her.
Leave the remaining self-destruction
the the feeble hands who push
the sad blue pills
further down that bruised
and lying throat.

Save the body from the rot
to have her crush it -
watch it crumble by her
own malicious fingers.

He stole the fruit
And now she's left with it's decay.
Leave it here for her
to come undone and weak
some other day.

She is left broken
to be fixed on her own,
left in the storm
to be saved my no one -
to find the land just
to have a tree to hang from.

Dancing in the ring of desire
to be had by no one,
with that ring on her hand
she is wed to alone.

The air caves in as she walks past;
saves itself from her and her rath.
Everything parts into pieces
breaks away from the stain that she is.

She did not do this but
she is no lamb,
no unholy sacrfice, just some
impulse, some sickly desire
for which she carries the flame
of hatred.
The stake in those hands
twice her death
three times her pain.

Did he want her that much,
more than anyone ever would?

With the tastes of its price
in her mouth,
the world parts from her disease,
her maticulous disguise of
normality.

most metal movie in a long tim...

2007-11-18T16:08:00.000-08:00

birthday shuffle

2007-11-17T16:46:00.000-08:00

care package from family
- fairy calendar
- pop-up book
- taffy
- funny cards
- home made "dia de los muertos" mask

in bed until almost 4
- mm mm sex
- mmm mmm nuggles
- making up for all the recent arguing

roses & chocolate

$100 gift card to that one place i get everything

movie

more?

enter winter

2007-11-16T13:36:00.001-08:00

"enter winter"

winter sneaks down
silent as the falling leaf
the last autumn whisp

soldiers

2007-11-16T13:28:00.000-08:00

they come around the corner
their light blinding
the vertical sun rise

wrapped in cloth of the finest threads
wearing shoes of the toughest tread

they come around corners
like the fates passing their eye

hair in perfect trim
close the scalp, the bone
encasement for where a thought could be

their eyes of different shades
and colors, are all steel and
gun-metal-black

pupils to the field
pupils reflecting gun-metal-black

shining examples of perfect discipline
standing examples of forged bodies
and tested souls
proof the the person exists
long after the human dies

marching in perfect unison steps
90 degree corners that no one else sees
they come around corners
like the fates passing their eye

by practiced step or smoking barrel
by perfectly pressed uniform or
patriot-blood splattered kevlar
they march on

they come around corners and through wars
these people we praise for protecting the borders
the corners no one else sees