What comes around…

So I was planning to use the first hour at the office to work on my writing, since I have finally found an editor for my work. I forgot the cord for the laptop, and it desperately needs a new battery – so I did not have much time. I decided I would email myself the full contents of the text file and work on it from my PC instead. Well, that plan was completely wrecked, and here is why:

Carolina,

So let me start off by saying what this email isn't. This is not an attempt to pry into your life and buisness whatsoever. I'm not expecting a response and I'm fine with that. It is simply a way for me to tell you that until only recently have I become completely aware of how fucked up me cheating on you was.

They say you can never really understand what it's like until you experience on your own. Without getting too emo lets just say that believe what happened in my previous relationship was my karma for what I did to you. Now if thats true or not is up to speculation, but it put me in a place that I remember seeing you in. A place I had put you. A place I have recently come away from.

I am sending you this because I think its an important step towards becoming a better person.

I'm sorry I hurt you the way I did and it wasn't ok.



Be Well-

Ryan


I accept the apology but I almost wish he had not written to me at all.

For starters, my email address has changed about 5 times since we parted ways, so how did he get it? I don’t recall if it’s on any other page of mine… and it makes me believe he may possibly be reading this (my blogspot). I don’t want to reply, I don’t feel that perusing any type of contact with people such as Ryan is necessary or would be healthy.

I don’t feel bad or sorry for him about he’s recent hardship – he made that bed, and we all know how that one goes. Was it not a blaring warning sign that the person he was selecting was a poor choice when she wanted to be with him even though he had a girlfriend he claimed to love and wanted to “never hurt her again?” It just seems like poor judgment is meant to be his curse.

His line about, “becoming a better person,” is really old too. First it was that going to FX school was going to make him better, then it was finding Jesus, then it was China and Mikey, then it was trying to make amends with me, then it was California, then, then, then… how many times is he going to say it? Why not just do it? Becoming a better person does not require the statement being made, you simply do it – practice without preaching. He of course, did not think on how it would effect me or my husband - yet another selfish move from him. He jsut wanted to get this off of his chest, or say it in the hopes of some deeper forgiveness, or just because he's that desperate to connect with someone.

I don’t believe that saying any of this to him would be beneficial to him or me, so I won’t reply. After all, I am not exactly innocent in the mess the situation was. I was very difficult, and I did endanger the friendship between Ryan and Cameron. I did try to apologize and make amends with him even after that, but it was he who locked me out. I had to forgive him for the pain he caused, but some how it was justified for him not to forgive me. There were idle threats from people like Chandra about, “leaving Ryan alone,” and accusations from his mother… who of all people should have understood the anger I felt.

The end of the entire mess had a disturbing resemblance to what had happened between Matt, Kat, and Jason… I had told the truth and I was the one “banished” for it. Conscious Ignorance is a disgusting characteristic.

I hope that my callousness is not confused for ill will. I do not wish or hope that anything bad happens or haunts people like Ryan or Matt, Jason or Cameron, or even Heather or Kat. I simply do not have the energy to spend thinking about a demise I will never get to see. I have my own problems to solve, and happiness to enjoy. These bumps along the way have done little more then strip away naivety and leave scars which fade away with time.

Maybe Ryan truly is taking steps to being a better person. Maybe this was just a side-effect of his desperation – so alienated and feeling unloved that he sought to connect with someone, anyone for any reason possible. “We have suffered the same pain now.” Maybe he secretly hopes for a reply, or even a friendship. That ship has long since sailed. Trying to be friends with Ryan would yield no benefit whatsoever. Most importantly, it would make Josh very upset. Secondly, I have nothing in common with Ryan, I tried to change myself to relate to him, but we never made a deep intellectual and spiritual connection. We did some drugs, I got some cuts, we were intense, he took a lot of time and emotion from me, but he never sacrificed anything for me… ever. The few fond memories I had of Ryan have faded away, and only fuzzy images of the painful ones are left, their pain has dulled like an old blade. So there is no need for a reply.

I am glad that Ryan apologized, and that’s where it ends.