Let me begin on a happy note: Josh has gone back to school and we have been going to 24 Hour Fitness almost every night after work. I have returned to loving my work outs like I did before. It will be much easier to go back to school once Josh has finished as well. This really makes me very happy! Unfortunately, I have actually gained some weight recently. I am hopeful that this is just a small gain and that working out will greatly curb it.
We're in Iowa, the great bean field state.
Josh's grandfather passed away Thursday morning. On Thursday e got a call from Josh's mother, Sue, practically yelling at us for not already being packed; however, she was still in Grand Junction, four hours from us. She hurried us along and hounded us over the phone all day – to arrive in Lakewood at 11 o'clock at night. Both Josh and I could have easily gone to work on Thursday, but because of her urging Josh he didn't go, and because I believed in Josh I also did not go.
We each get three days of bereavement leave. Because I do not work weekends this includes Monday for me. However, Josh does work weekends, and he has for quite some time. He knew that Monday would not be included in his bereavement days. He made the request to have Monday off as a vacation day, but did not have any confirmation that this day would be provided. Today he found out that he had not been given this day, so now we'll have to drive, hurriedly, back to Denver on Sunday immediately after the funeral.
Oh but it gets better. When I suggested we leave Friday morning, it was not only so that the timing would be better. No. I also suggested that we leave Friday morning so that, after Josh's pay check posted, we could purchase new tires and drive our on vehicle to Iowa. This was apparently not meant to be, as Sue forced us leave right away Thursday evening AFTER MIDNIGHT (And leaving at 7am would have been so bad why?), and drive her truck. The truck get absolutely horrible gas mileage. It was nice enough of them to offer to fill the tank on the way here, but now since Josh did not get Monday off, we'll be leave long before Sue, and we'll have to fill the truck ourselves. Great!
Let's not forget that when we get back home new tires will STILL have to be purchased for the Suby... Paying for gas for the Suby to get here would have been less that it's going to be to have to gas up the truck the whole way home... and had we left when Sue left she would have paid for the Suby's gas on the way home... Had we left Friday in the morning, Josh could have gone to work on Thursday, and he wold definitely have Monday off... and the drive back would l have been safer than it's ging to be and much more enjoyable... Josh would have been able to get good sleep before going to work on TUESDAY instead of being a road worn zombie on Monday...
No, none of the above are valid or logical reasons... the plan I have been dragged into is infinitely better, and I should never be listened to, most especially by my husband, and he should definitely continue to listen to his mother's ideas, even when they are BAD ideas, and he should continue to drag me along because I am truly, just enjoying myself so fucking much! Oh yes!
Furthermore, today, after arriving, I pointed these flaws in planning to Josh, and he of course, told me I was being an asshole, and that his mother would have been so very disappointed in not traveling with us. But she is not going to be disappointed when we can't stay for anything after the funeral? She is not going to need more support after watching her father lowered into the ground then she did on the car ride over here? We weren't even in the same car.
On top of all of this, Josh and I were so tired from not having slept that when we got here at three o'clock this afternoon, we both passed out... and he did not wake up until after 11 at night. Great! It was like we didn't ride with them at all... that entire effect was completely washed away. We did not go to have dinner with Josh's mourning relatives, which was the requested activity once the “nap” was complete; but the list goes on: we did not ride in the same cars, we won't be able to spend time with anyone after the funeral, we can't drive back with them, our drive back is going to suck since there is construction on every highway from here all the way to our apartment, Josh is going to be totally worn out on Monday, we are going to have to fill up a gas-guzzling BEAST, we aren't even in a hotel room near them... blah blah blah.
So, can some one please tell me, in a logical and not bullshit reason why THIS plan was better than the suggestion I made? Why my husband could not have possibly listened to me when it counted? Why this not listening to me is a repetitive practice? Why? Really, I just want to know why, but there is not any reason. Josh just thinks this is a none argument and will not apologize or admit that I may have actually had a more logical plan or better approach to the problem. That really pisses me off... he won't say anything to his mother, and now we're going to have to pay the price for it on several levels: economically because we'll be paying for gas; emotionally, because we argued; and physically, because Josh is going to be so totally worn out on Monday.
What's worse is that when I told Josh to say something to her after the dust from the funeral had settled; to let her know that yes, we had gone through with what she wanted, but she needed to understand that we are adults can make our own plans, and that her plan was harmful towards us – he screamed, “Why don't you do something like that with your mother?!” A totally unfounded remark, followed by, “I hope I get to be an asshole at a funeral for one of your family members.” Ah, these are really honorable, mature comments to be made to someone pointing out the flaws in the plan through which they are being unwillingly dragged through. What a way to show that in the future I will be listened to... oh wait! That string of comments means exactly the opposite. It means he will not be listening to me in the future and he has completely missed the entire (obvious) point that this was an unfortunate learning experience; but in order to fully learn from it a conversation with his mother needs to happen.
My mother have been speaking on a very mature level for several years now. We cover a wide range of topics from the intellectual to the emotional. If this was happening in my family, we would have left on Friday morning. My parents would have more then likely given us a check for the amount of the tires and more than enough for gas, which we could have easily cashed when we got back home, relaxed on Monday. But no, Josh and his mother will not bond, or take any kind of communicational lesson from this entire situation.
She'll go back to popping “happy pills,” as she has named them so, and Josh will go back to not having true communication with his parents, but feel it is OK to talk down about my relationship with my family.
I am glad this happened, it has shown me that it is not my family that is fucked... we are emotionally complex, we have been through a lot, we have had bad things happen a lot... but we love each other and have communication on the level that other families do not.
It's just like when Ryan would tell me my family was so messed up, but he could not talk to his mom about several issues, and his relationship with his father was practically nonexistent ; or when Matt would go off about my family, but he didn't talk to his mother after moving out for like over a year, and his relationship with his father was “strained” at best. I remember stories of how Matt would wait by the front window waiting for his daddy to come home. He would wait, an wait, sometimes even falling asleep there. I am pretty sure that those situations have had little to no change.
The problem now is different. I am not emotionally retarded, and I do not wish for the person to which I am married to allow themselves to be emotionally retarded or worse, emotionally stagnant. I fully expect that efforts be made to not only develop, but also to evolve on all emotional and communicational levels. Having a clear conversation about how this trip effected us on JUST one level, is a small request. I am not asking that Josh tell her about how he felt, or what he experienced mentally while at this funeral. I am simply asking him to say something along the lines of, “Hey mom, I am glad we could be there for you on the way there and at the funeral. I just need you to know that we can't always go along with your plans and it would have been better for us to leave Friday for these reasons...” But this will not be said, it's waste of energy to even type this.
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