Ponderings

Since I left therapy today I have been seriously thinking, deeply and thoroughly, as to what I should do with my future. I seem to have no shortge of suggestons; people at the office would tend to say I am good with numbers, billing, explanations, and the "corporate culture." CPA or other accounting/finance related degrees have been mentioned, but I have too much of a voice, to follow the well paved, well known, noncreative path of the money herded sheeple.

My parents, with their pride and love for me, chimed in as always, with their suggestion to complete my degree in Letters & Philosophy, and then continue into Law School. They sincerely believe that I have a clarity of thought, writing ability, and true talent for debate; most importantly, that I have a sense of Justice. While I truly appreciate their faith in my abilities, my ego is not so inflated, and I fear I would not do well in Law School, nor be a good lawyer.

I considered following a more technical path, looking into achieving my CCNA or another computer/data related certification; but these are not things that come naturally to me. It seems, the more I learn about computers, the less intuitive they become. Well, more knowledge makes them easier to use, the act of using them becomes more complicated, less enjoyable, and more of task. Where before writing an entry was an electronically scripted version of scribbling in my old journals, it has now become less than enough to only incorporate writing. People visit the internet for stimulation - and really, what stimulation can my lunacy really bring?

Other fields of math and science have little to no appeal. Not only am I bad at these subjects, but I find that I do very poorly in a lab seeting.

This leaves of course, the humanities: Literature, Fine Art, Art History, History, Human Geography, Political Sciences, Law, etc. Fields of study which not only come naturally to me, but with which I identify as a funtioning member. Even though these journals will never be published, and probably read by less than twently people, they are a mental exercise, one that allows me to reflect at the moment, and compare my thoughts from the past and present. This is my personal history.

There are, of course, areas of the humanities which have more appeal than others. Psychology, of instance, while vastly interesting, is not a field which I could persue. Mainly, for fear of self-analysis and the destructive powers which seem so deeply rooted in simply knowing (or worse, thinking one knows) how others think. The study of Humanities as a general field, has always been disappointing. It would seem that it should be renamed: Cultural Studies. It is mixture of all the humanities, ranging from architectual style, to music, and everrything inbetween. For me, it lacks the depth and details that, for example, Philosophy provides.

Literature and Philosophy, in my eyes, are truly the same. While youu can produce enjoyable work without philosophical content; meaningful literature, always carries a message. Writers' themes and tones, communicate the true meaning of their work to their audience. A good writier, I believe, has studied, not only his unique life experiences, but braodened his horizons by studying, in great depth, Sociology, History, Human Geography, Politics, Religion, Philosophy, and in some cases, Anthropology. It would seem that the best authors, study the existing world so crefully, that they are able to craft an entirely new universe for readers to explorer. Take as examples, J.R.R, Tolkien and C.S. Lewis: Excellent scholars first, and exceptional authors second.

I would truly love to become published, but not for a meaningless work, but rather for delivering a message of great importance - a message to inspire others. I some times feel that my generation is going to remembered only as scripts and codes; I fear that our intellectual contribution will be lacking in emotional depth. We did not have a great war - and the war we have we do not seem to be altered by, showing only our frightful expectation of violance and sad acceptance of oppression.

All I am is one of the many, lost in the sea of uncertainty. All my clarity of thought or talent wasted, as time passes and I wait in indecision.

I have been seriously thinking, deeply and thoroughly, as to what I should do with my future.