To no one's surprise, that Kara run last weekend was never finished. Not a big deal. But I knew it was not going to happen on Mother's Day.
I finally cranked out some poetry, not very good as usual, but at least it's a creative outlet.
To no one's surprise, ashley and I did not hang out on her birthday. She was "hammered" when I texted her and all she could thumb out at the time wasa hi. She did tell me that in the process she spilled her drink on a man in a wheelchair. I left more sympathy for the man, not sure what she meant by sharing that litle story.
Work this week was a disaster. while I made my numbers with ease, I have found myself in an awkward position. We had a meeting about our new attendance policy. I asked one direct and simple question, "You can now be fired for using flex time, correct?" and, of course, this was labeled as obnoxious. When did being direct become obnoxious? Why is it that I am rude simply because I do not want to waste my time on corporate bullshit? Everyone in the meeting room agreed with me, if not, they would hve spoken up. That was not the case however, all the other people that did speak, agreed with me... what does that say to management? Apparently, nothing.
What I did get out of the meeting: my manager, not supervisor, must feel threatened by my assertive and outspoken personality. I sincerely believe that she dislikes me because I like to cut through bullshit like a hot knife through butter. This is the characteristic that make me a valuable entity to the company. I am a shear results based person, I do my job well, and only strive to do it better. I think that my disregad for the "big wigs" really bothers her. It is a shame, since she is obviously in a position where she could prevent a lot more than I could ever deal with. But this would require that she performed her job well and spend less time bullying her staff.
My direct supervisor did advise, "Do not be a speaker for the people, they are the first to hang." How sad. Like all the outspoken people with leadership characteristics, I have been threatened. Bullied into silence... but only cowards remain silent. Truth seekers, light shiners, and true revolutionary spiits infiltrate and watch the system crumble from within, if they are verry good and the ystemm rather bad already, they do not even need to do anything. Just take in the magestic beast as it devours itself. This I learned from my stepfather. To truly gain power you must climb the ladder, and when you are looking down, on all that middle management, they look tiny, insignificant and meek- and then it is they who fear you.
Should I ever reach a position of corporate "power" I will not bully my subordinates, as my direct leaders have done with me. I will listen to the speaker for the people, for they may save a sinking ship.
Anyway, I am trying to hang out with Christa as she may possibly be a decent person. She is having this night, but not quite midnight, bowling party. I have wanted to go bowling since like last year, and we can never find the time or hve the spare cash. So on Thursday I check the bank account, and, to no one's surprise, it was over drawn. So I asked Josh to do me one small favor and borrow a small sum of cash from his folks until I got paid. To no one's surprise, he did not do this. So today, we fought about it. All I really wanted to say was, "If you were working already we wold not be in this jam," but that really would have only led him to reply, "Oh my god [insert reason here]," and the arguement would have ruined the whole day.
I am not ready for a ruined day, my weekends are much to valuable to be wasted on petty arguements that should have been completely avoided, not just manuvered around. So I sat there and said very little. The job thing is much the same, Josh never does anything until I am mad about it not getting done, until I am ready to explode. This is a fact of marriage, I am told. Men simply do not foresee things like women do.
After a quick scrap, not a big fight; after I change my plans with Christa; after we don't even need the money any longer and I have relinquished the idea of going bowling, he says, "Well, I m going to go get that now." Um, WTF? Again, the fact, that nothing gets done, until it's too late. It makes it even worse, it realy does. His reluctance makes be feel like a burden on him... and it hurts, and gets old fast.
There is no real solution to this problem. Josh will never just explain himelf at the very beginning of a request and he will continue to not do something until either it is too late or no longer wanted. He will continue to make me angry about things that I find completely avoidable and unnecessary. And it will continue to be no one's surprise.
"bones"
now i wait,
like i did then, only then i left the light on.
waiting, casting a shadow, not hiding in the dark.
gripping reality with tiny curled toes-
one day it happened
the ground, cleared its throat is one quick
growl- swallowed me whole.
i am sure even the dust settled in the same places as i disappeared.
little particles, sneeze creating miniture monsters
and their silent, slow march over all the furniture.
the vacancy seeped through the house like a sedated termite infestation.
the sun rose, and set.
the house got dustier, it's paint faded and chipped-
wrinkled the once smooth, near perfect, water-resistant,
weather-protected, almost plastic, but not that tacky, surface.
its wood began to bow and give.
the dust grew and coated the interior gray.
the earth never gowled open again, but one day the house did.
not soon after its ceiling collapsed, and benethe all the rumble,
they found a little pile of little old lady bones.
"sicklic"
the moon is brightest when reflecting the sun's tortuous rays.
she shines and suffers all at once,
a beautiful night charade.
she wanes slowly, turning away from the ever brighter
bright burning star.
oh, but she waxes just as quickly
to return
only to recoil
again.
this dizzying cyclone spins 'round
silently through miles of heaven few
have traversed.
even now, she is wanting him
and hating him, and she's buring
in the vacuum of her obsession.
a lunar fly trap of disappointment.
a disatrous eternally loop,
cheaply made,
and not a bit original-
law of physics.
this is how they intertwine,
the giant and the pebble.
gravity's masterrpiece-
and we with such smal minds and eyes,
observing their enormous tragedy.
p.s.
Have been watching Samuri 7 on IFC... very cool.
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