continuing

Anyway, I did not really care that she played - it was just crappy. It seems that the more you try to avoid and forget a person the more they are a thorn in your side. The part of my comment that really fucking reminded me of how crazy nd ridiculous Rachel is.

made me laugh that the idea of me still irks you so much, when you are the one that chose to shit on our relationship when things got hard- instead of being the uber-awesome-can-do-no-harm friend you always claimed to be.

I was messaging her best friend, her sister, calling her on her cell phone, messaging her myspace, trying to email her, and finally, after months of being avoided I gave up. If that is what "shitting" on a relationship is like for Rachel, the I guess I could have never made it work. I tried though, and in the end it was my money that paid the apartment damages, and it was me who tried to call for months, and it was me who reached out to other people while she avoided me, and it was me who sat with her and cried on the days that were hard, on the days that her fucking retarded ex would tear her to shreds, and it was me who ALWAYS said she looked great, and and and...

and I find myself listing off yet again what I did for some one only to be used.

Maybe it is these types of people who make others "cut-throat" and quick about cutting more/other people off. I am glad that she "creeps" this journal. I guess she must be even more clingy than I am, congrats, you should ger professional help. I am glad she got a "laugh" out of my displeasure, it is just like her to say something like that. I am glad that she felt "bigger and better" for being an annoying, ungrateful bitch. I am glad I have known people as low as Rachel - it was/is a learning experience. And I am glad that she is out of my life. If she feels like making a splash to further her own anger, spite, enjoyment, whatever - that's up to her. Just as my responses to such unwanted intrusions are also my own.

I don't have any bad wishes for Rachel, but if she happens to die tomorrow, who am I to say the world wouldn't be better off.

I usually don't have this problem

I usually do a nice enough job of making things my fault. Like I say the one thing I shouldn't or find out what would hurt a person the most or whatever. Complete the task, and then the person is not only out of my life, but they want me to stay out of theirs too. It really does provide a lot of closure and a lot of reasons to just kill any relationship.

When I was younger I would do this, and then realize I was not really ready to be rid of the person. So it made for some very tough times. But I have come to realize that I need to follow my instincts. This can be "cut throat" or too fast. I really have had little longterm regrets with this policy.

There have only been 2 people that I really never wanted to hear from again. They just were such disappointments as people that I just could not stand it. Not only did I not like them any longer, but I was foolish in thinking that they would ever do anything worthwhile for me. Halorin and Rachel. Hal is an old, old story and really it was much better that we not be friends.

Rachel just straight used me. I lived with her, had all the bill sin my name, I would pay them (not always on time) and she wold give me half all while arguing and making me wait nd beg. It was really quite embarassing - but I had faith in her. Anyway, fast forward to the end of out friendship - we're moving out of the apartment and I provide a photocopy of the damage bill, $2600, and the final bills. By hounding her for weeks at work, because she stopped answering my calls as soon as she moved out, I finally get half the bill money... but not a dime towards the damage bill.

I tried calling her for months, eventually I was so pissed, hurt, and generally feeling like shit, that I coughed up the money for the old place. I figured that while I could not get any of this back I would at least salvage what little credit I had/have. This was also the only way my husband and I could move into a new place. They don't let people who owe major damages to another complex rent in a new place.

So, I would have died a happier person to have never found out that Rachel was still on the same planet... Anyway, I was watching a WoW comm here, and there I see this one name that looks SO familiar. I click it and as soon as it loads, I am like damn. Oh well. So I am like, Ok this sucks. I make a post and then of course... She replies.


to be cont...

can't recall

I can't remember when it was - the last Christmas I was not depressed. Here I am noticing that for the first time since then, I am content around the holiday season. Despite shopping myself into some debt, and not being able to be with my entire family, I will be around people I love, and who love me. Most importantly, this will be my first Christmas being married. While Josh and I have been arguing about petty shit recently, we have been talking through our arguements. Marital (sp?) growing pains. I makes me really happy... all of it. Coming out on top of a fight, feeling good despite a crappy day, giving what I can even if it is not very much.

Anyway, Merry Chistmas.

Love,
The Grinch

p.s.

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no longer

Last week I “terminated” my friendship with Kat. Not because I don’t like her as a person, but I am not sure I do anyway, but because she has a major personality flaw. I wanted to explain, but I really don’t want to have to deal with her at all. So here are my reasons:

1. Needy – by this I don’t mean you needed a shoulder to cry on, and I being the bitch that I am did not want to be said shoulder. I mean, that this is the nicest way I could think of to say “attention whore.” You went from being heavy and considerate, to skinny, and well, an attention whore. Just because you have tape over your nipples does not mean that you’re not topless. While not exposing the nipple makes it PG13, the needle play (which with the crowd your with could give you AIDS) makes it X anyway. Couldn’t just stay in the R rated area. You used to fully consider the situations you were in, not just throw yourself into them, and placing tape over your nipples does not count as full consideration, sorry.

2. Shallow - I have out grown going to clubs often, so unless some one amazing is spinning, I really don’t care to drink with a bunch of people who care THAT much about their exterior presence. I have other things on my mind, and really only 1 thing I care about at a club – am I dancing my ass off? You can’t really do that at a Goth club, or club night. That is more of a who-spent-more time-and-money-to-look-this-way setting, too shallow for me. I also do not think that just because you can spend a fortune on your looks, you should. That’s just a personal opinion. I don’t even wear make up most days, and I STILL get hit on when I go out.

3. Using – Begging to use my computer on the same day that I am getting massive tattoo work done, then showing up only to check your email and MySpace, um, yeah. Always getting a ride, and only paying for gas 1 time, ouch, you never even offered before that time either. Expecting yourself to be placed before my husband on my priorities list is totally out of the question. And last but not least, never asking me once, out of all the times we hung out, what I wanted to do. Granted there were a few times that I showed up with plans in hand (like 2), but otherwise it was always about what you wanted to do.

So these are my top 3 reasons, which really culminate to one major personality flaw: selfishness. I am sorry to be the one, but the world does not revolve around you. The people in the street are not out to get you any more than they are out to get any one else. And stop to think about this, “If everyone is out to get you, you might be an asshole.” But even that, the thought that everyone you run into is either out to get you, or in love with you right away, these imagine extreme reactions are part of the oversized ego you have suddenly inflated yourself with. I remember when you were different, but that was before. Now that I think about it, the way you just dropped me back then may have just been indicative that you were this way all along, I don’t know. I don’t really care.

I would have called last Sunday, but my phone was not in my possession. And even if it had been, I would have cancelled, because Josh took the day of from work, and we no longer have the same days off, so seeing him was of the utmost importance to me. I realized when I got my phone back and read your message, “nice of you to respond,” that you had not stopped, even for an instant to think outside of yourself about what had happened for me not to be able to reply. I was going to call and apologize and explain, and, and, and… and then I realized I did not really want to be friends with you any longer. I really thought it through too, not one of those sporadic, compulsive decisions. You are very interesting, a great artist, and a brilliant thinker- it’s just that I am nice to my friends, and I can’t befriend selfish people because then I get used horribly (like what happened between us, and between myself and Rachel, as 2 examples).

Anyway, this type of conversation would not have gotten anywhere productive, as I tried to talk to about this before, and your reply was, “I will be at the club, and if I see you, will say hello.” You seem to have everything you need and want without me in your life anyway, so I am sure you won’t miss me or anything like that.

Darn

It is a little sad and rather hard to admit that you tried for something you may not have wanted in the first place. *sigh* Will edit with the details later...

EDIT: view 12/23/07 for details

Little Things

So I think I made have friends with Ginny! That's super neat because I really need more female friends. I have spent my whole life relating to, and hanging out with boys. I don't always want to be like that though, and i can talk to women/girls about stuff that guys could never relate to... like ever.


Little Things

Ginny [8:16 PM]:
Hey I meant to tell you I had so much fun on Friday night and the 4 of us should definitely do that again soon.

Me [8:17 PM]:

oh good.

Me [8:17 PM]:

josh actually had a really fun time too!!

Ginny [8:18 PM]:

Good!! So did Mike.

Me [8:19 PM]:

maybe we can get them to have beers and watch footbal and let us go shopping!

Ginny [8:19 PM]:

Haha definitely!!!!!

Ginny [8:20 PM]:

I don't know what your plans are this weekend, but we are supposed to be going out with a few of our friends on either Friday or Saturday night, not sure which yet. But it would be great if you both wanted to come and I can let you know exactly which night a little later in the week.

Me [8:20 PM]:

sure that sounds great



Ginny [11:03 PM]:

Are you ok?

Me [11:04 PM]:

no

Ginny [11:04 PM]:

I'm sorry. Can I help at all?

Me [11:04 PM]:

nah. i will be ok.

Me [11:05 PM]:

i just have anxiety issues... so its hard for me sometimes.

Me [11:05 PM]:

i really appreciate it thou

Ginny [11:06 PM]:

I understand. Well let me know if you ever need anything. We can take a break together and you can vent.

Me [11:06 PM]:

ok. i will take you up on that some time.









People are often unreasonable,
illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Mother Teresa
1910-1997

Worst Customer of the Year Award goes to...

I don't understnad why people are like this. I have tried to figure it out; speant hours and hours thinking about how frustrated I would have to be to treat some one this poorly. I flipped out at a night club a few months back, but I had been thrown out for having an asthma attack. Maybe that's the same and I am just a hypocrite.

There is "audult" language below...

Customer > I just want to reset my password; I've never used my company email address before and this is frustrating to me.
thanks

Rep> Hello Aaron_, Thank you for contacting Company Live Chat Support. My name is Rep. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Rep> I will be happy to assist you with your email address.

C_ > oh awesome thanks

Rep> You're welcome.

C_ > I need to set my password for aaron*****@company.net

Rep> May I have the account PIN please ?

C_ > I don't have the account PIN

C_ > I don't know what this account PIN stuff you're talking about is

Rep> I am sorry but I cannot reset a password without the account PIN. The PIN was mailed to you. Do you have any unopened mail from Company?

C_ > I've never seen it in the mail; I just became a member like 5-6 weeks ago

C_ > NO

C_ > I am not happy with that answer

C_ > the lady on the phone told me that I could go here to reset my password

C_ > I've been trying to do this for over an hour now

C_ > do not tell me that you cannot do it asshole

C_ > give me your manager

Rep> Yes, but an account PIN is needed.

C_ > NOW

C_ > NOW

C_ > NOW NOW NOW

C_ > give me your manager asshole

Rep > I have a floor lead, will that be acceptable ?

C_ > i've been waiting for a fucking hour

C_ > FUCK YOU ASSSHOLE

C_ > I HAE BEEN WAITING FOR AN HOUR ALREADY BITCH

Rep> I have a floor lead, will that be acceptable ?

C_ > BITCH ASS WHORE FUCK YOU NIGGER ASS LOSER

C_ > GIVE ME MY FUCKING PASSWORD

C_ > A FUCKING HOUR ALREADY

C_ > GET A FUCKING CLUE

C_ > GIVE ME MY PASSWORD

C_ > FUCK YOU GIVE ME MY PASSWORD

C_ > FUCK YOU GIOVE ME MY PASSWORD

C_ > RIGHT MOTHER FUCKING NOW WHORE

C_ > hey slut give me a password

C_ > hey hooker give me a password

Rep> I have a floor lead, will that be acceptable ?

C_ > SERIOUS

C_ > GIVE ME A FUCKING PASSWORD WHORE

C_ > I ASKED FOR A FUCKING PASSWORD

Rep> I have a floor lead, will that be acceptable ?

C_ > IS A FLOOR LEAD A PASSWORD

Rep> No.

C_ > DO YOU FUCKING SPEAK ENGLISH, WHORE?

C_ > MAY ALLAH SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE RAGHEAD

C_ > FUCK YOU

C_ > IS FLOOR LEAD A PASSWORD

C_ > GIVE ME MY PASSWORD SERIOUS WHO DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE?

C_ > GIVE ME MY PASSWORD RIGHT RIGHT NOW

C_ > YES GIVE ME YOUR FLOOR LEAD

Rep> Sure thing, just a moment please.

C_ > who do you think that you are?

C_ > give me my password

C_ > did it ever occur to you that you didn't send it out to brand new customers? I've been a customer for 5 weeks

C_ > I have not recieved this crap from you and if i did I threw it away

C_ > we pay our bill.. that's all your going to get out of me

C_ > I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE WITH THE AUTHORITY TO GIVE ME MY PASSWORD

C_ > do you think that it is _FAIR_ for you to make me wait an hour to get a password?

C_ > I would like to cancel my account please.. can I talk to someone about that?

Wow Ugh

So yeah...

Today I found out that Rachel, of all people, is playing WoW. I knew that some stupid shit like this was going to interfere with my just enjoying the game. I should make my player note read, "If your name is Rachel IRL you need to die... or pay me $2600." Ugh. With any kind of luck she is not on any of the servers I play on...

This made me feel better a few hours later:






The not funny part is that this is for real: http://www.godhatesfags.com/
Wow, how very terrible.

drinking

hello world...
i actually know that no one reads this fucking thing but whatever. If you're reading this, thanks... leave a comment, or not, whatever.

anyway, i am not supposed to drink and here i am a few drinks (very very very few) later but totally wasted. this rather inappropriate entry goes out to my youth which i seem to be slipping away from at an alarming rate. anyway...

after a few drinks i think the following:

* my mariage is amazing!
* my husband is amazing!
* sex is amazing!!!
* oh my god i need to go dancing.
* i am really glad i gave Ginny a chance.
* i really want to be friends with her... i hope she liked me!
* i am not as cold/hard of a bitch as i claim ... my soft, gooey, human-like insides bleed much the same as any other person.
* if you need to say "this as the cutest thing with me in mind," you're fucking sad... no shit it was with you in mind, and even if it was not... it's art, and does not need you in mind.

i can't quite think in complete thoughts... and my tummy hurts SO bad. again, i am not supposed to drink.

i will pay dearly for tonight, way to rock my weekend.

anyway...

peace
love
light


caro


p.s.

random thought:
while i meant to hurt some, i never meant to hurt tracy, for shame i did.

Horoscopes

Today:

You are the center of the action today, baby! Get ready for a lot of attention -- put on a sharp outfit, polish up your attitude, and practice a few one-liners. Your charm quotient is high, and it will act like a web today, snaring some attractive and influential people as you move throughout your day. Suddenly, folks who've known you for ages are seeing you in a new light. And the folks who encounter you for the first time today are asking each other 'who is THAT?'



Tomorrow:

Your vision has been partly cloudy over the past few weeks, but today it is definitely going to clear up. Look for sunny skies -- thanks in part to the shocking news you hear early in the day. Like an ice cold shower in a sweltering hot day, this wake up call will refresh you, invigorate you, and prepare you for some hard work. Unusual people have unusual ideas, but that doesn't mean that they aren't ones you should adopt. You can see what you need to do today -- and in the coming weeks -- clearly.



Oh jeez! If only these things came true!

sketch

work in progress






between these pillars of smoke
their whispers travel,
dashing between liquor moistened lips,
slipping into the ears of desire.

lies flavored tequila
and grins tasting like lust;
skin on skin
sin on sin
night covered
covert motions -
these attempts to not be
the single body beneath a
sheet covered bed.

dance, dance -
she moves her body across the floor
and into his head.

drink, drink -
he swallows courage whole from
wells and drafts

mingle, mingle -
they leave in pairs while
they came in single.